


D-Day (alternatively known as Star Sailors)

by CMi (CmiMiu)



Category: B.A.P
Genre: Alternate Universe - Normal Life, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Astrophilic Jongup, Choi Junhong/Zelo is Whipped, Cutness, Developing Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, M/M, Moon Jongup is Whipped, One-Sided Relationship, Skinny Dipping, Suicidal Junhong/Zelo, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, comets, one sided daejae, soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-29
Updated: 2018-08-05
Packaged: 2019-05-30 05:04:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 27,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15089618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CmiMiu/pseuds/CMi
Summary: “Because ours is a love story that has a time limit, Jongup” Junhong whispers. Letting a tear fall down his eyes.And Jongup knows that every word Junhong is saying is true. Their love story does have a time limit. One that is set by Junhong's suicidal episodes. He knows that Junhong is a flight risk like no other. He’s not even sure about the next day. If tomorrow morning he’ll wake to an alive Junhong or not.Or, Junhong has suicidal tendencies, but Jongup still falls in love with him.





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the tags before reading and please keep in mind that I fairly warned everyone beforehand that this work is rated M with a Trigger Warning. If you choose to read, it's on you.
> 
> With that said, please stay safe while reading.
> 
> PS: please try to figure out what date D-Day falls upon while you read the story.  
> PPS: keep a 2013-2014 calendar with you while you read this story because it's accurate in its time instances.

[International Suicide Hotlines](http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines)

**D-181**

 Jongup stares incredulously at the boy lying in the middle of the frozen lake. Nine at night, in the middle of an empty park, under the lightly falling snow, is a boy whom  Jongup knows very well.

 

Choi Junhong.

 

The same boy who everyone avoids merely to avoid rumours about them following in his footsteps and turning emo. The boy who has a mental disorder. The boy who is infamous for his uncountable suicide attempts. The boy who spends lunch with the school dog behind the elementary gardens. The boy who is odd. The boy who is a genius but never works to his potential. The only boy who  Jongup hasn’t ever spoken to.

 

 Jongup continues to stand at a distance, looking at the odd sight. He would’ve ignored the boy and walked away too, had it not been for the red puddle that was slowly forming next to him.

 

“Hey!”  Jongup calls out to Junhong, waving his hands about. “Choi Junhong! Hey!” Frowning at the lack of reply he walks closer towards the lake. He is supposed to be on his way back home, but he can’t help it.

 

Something doesn’t feel right about just walking away.

 

As he nears towards the edge of the frozen body of water, he takes notice of the fact that Junhong’s chest seems eerily still. His throat goes dry at the realization and  Jongup sprints across the ice to get to the body lying lifelessly on the ground. Coming to an abrupt halt when he sees the slit wrist and the blood pouring out of Junhong’s wrist. His hands tremble by his side and he almost chokes out of despair, when he sees one of the boy’s fingers move.

 

Ignoring the cold and his thin leggings,  Jongup drops to his knees and holds his fingers under Junhong’s nose. _At least he’s breathing_ he tells himself - relieved beyond measure - then presses his fingers to the boy’s neck to feel for a pulse. A low pulse taps against his fingers and without wasting a second he grabs Junhong in his arms and pulls him against his chest, making a run for the nearest clinic.

 

*

 

When Junhong opened his eyes, the pristine white walls and the strong smell of antiseptic were the last things he expected to be bombarded with. He winces against the brightness and makes to sit up when his hand brushes against something hard and scratchy. Turning to look at it, Junhong finds it to be someone’s knee.

 

His eyes trail up at the owner of the said knee and come face to face with a boy. Raised eyes and arms crossed over his chest. Sending a judgmental smirk his way.

 

Moon Jongup.

 

The boy who is class president. The boy who is the soccer team captain. The boy who donates blood every three months. The boy who is the teacher’s pet and high school heartthrob. The same boy who everyone wants to be friends with. The boy who makes it his task to spend lunch at a different table, with a different clique every day. The only boy who doesn’t mind speaking to him - or anyone for that matter.

 

Just as Junhong opens his mouth to speak,  Jongup speaks up, unfolding his arms and leaning them on his knees. “I know you’re gonna go all _why’d you save me! I hate you! You should’ve let me die!_ And all that shit.” The older boy imitates the clichéd words at the other mockingly and smirks as he continues. “I saved you because that’s what anyone would do. I couldn’t just let you die. Okay?”

 

“Why do you have to be such a meddling asshole?” Junhong grumbles under his breath, reaching for the glucose drip on his arm.

 

 Jongup rolls his eyes and grabs his hand before Junhong can pull the needle out, and tiredly drawls, keeping a tight grip on his hand. “Don’t pull out the IV, would you?” Junhong pulls his hand back with a jerk and snorts but doesn’t make to pull it again. Looking away to glare out the open window at the snow falling outside. “Do you want some water? Juice?” he asks him but Junhong chooses to ignore the questions.

 

A while edges away under the heated silence and Junhong finds himself speaking again. “I had been wondering what would happen if I died in the snow. How long would it be before they found my body? Would I be conscious when I died? Would the snow cover me up completely by morning?”

 

 Jongup leans back in his chair and stares up at the single, flickering LED bulb in the room. Junhong gulps back a million excuses and apologies in his mind for his sudden declaration before  Jongup responds, “if you died in the snow, you’d probably turn into a human version of an ice-lolly.” When Junhong merely stares at him,  Jongup continues, “People would find out pretty soon too. The park is always open, so chances are they’d find out within a few hours after your death. You probably wouldn’t be conscious when you died though” he looks at the boy and explains pointedly “you were unconscious when I found you, you know? And the snow would’ve definitely have covered you up by morning.”

 

Looking away from the boy’s eyes once again, Junhong chooses to stare at his hands instead. “You make it sound so simple.” He bites his lips as he continues to fondle the bandage on his wrist. “I’d been thinking about it for over a week.”

 

“Maybe you just wanted an excuse?”  Jongup suggests with a twinkle in his eyes. A cheeky smile on his lips. So unlike the look of pity or exasperation, Junhong is always greeted with.

 

Junhong knows what  Jongup is talking about. He knows very well about the rumours that run wild in the school about him. And he knows that behind the mask of nonchalance,  Jongup is probably worried - he’s a good kind of a guy who even worries about a garbage cat. But Junhong can’t force himself to lie, so he chooses to shrug his shoulders instead “Maybe.”

 

**D-180**

It is during their Physics lab the next day when Junhong feels the bench beside him creak with the weight of a foreign body. He turns towards the person sitting next to him and can’t help but raise his eyes.

 

“What’s up, Junhongie?”  Jongup smiles at him. His sunshine smile on full force first thing in the morning. He is leaning his elbows on the desk and staring at him from under impish eyes.

 

Junhong ignores the nickname - because  Jongup is friendly with everyone and he doubted he’d be an exception - and lets his lips form a straight line and deadpans, “what are you doing here?”

 

Shrugging his shoulders almost giddily,  Jongup runs a hand through his hair as he replies, “we need to choose partners so I decided to choose you.”

 

“Why?” Junhong almost groans, trying to discreetly hide the bandage he’d received the night before. He knows  Jongup has seen it but is thankful that the boy doesn’t point it out.

 

“Because I’ve been partners with everyone except you in this class.”

 

Junhong rolls his eyes and tries to hide a smile as he pulls out his textbook. “If this is your attempt at _saving the poor, depressed boy_ then forget it.” Looking at the older boy dead in the eyes as he glares, “I don’t need to be saved.”

 

“I know you don’t,”  Jongup replies back. Looking completely at ease and not at all perturbed by Junhong’s rather direct attack. Pulling out his own textbook, he continues, “I mean, you’ve got the best pair of parents in the world. They love you, cherish you actually.” He then looks into Junhong’s eyes as he speaks, “you aren’t being bullied and I know for a fact that the biggest traumatic incident in your life was the death of your pet rabbit.”

 

“Wha-” the other boy tries to speak but is cut off by his partner.

 

“And you’re not doing this for attention either. Neither do you have depression.” When Junhong doesn’t respond,  Jongup smiles cheekily at him and pinches his cheeks as he states, “you just don’t want to stay alive, ‘cuz you don’t think you have a reason to.”

 

Junhong lets displeasure colour his features as he shoves  Jongup’s hand from his face, watching  Jongup sharpen his pencil. “Well done, Doctor Phil” he states impassively. “You want me to give you a cookie for that amazing diagnosis?”

 

“How about a kiss instead?” the boy snickers, leaning into Junhong’s personal bubble.

 

Junhong can physically feel his cheeks turn red at the boy’s words. He gulps and slaps  Jongup’s face away from himself n and starts coughing like a wild hyena.  Jongup doesn’t make to help the boy out. Instead of helping him out or offering him some water, he continues to guffaw at Junhong’s expense. It takes a while before Junhong isn’t dying and he sneers at the boy next to him, “asshole.”

 

 Jongup doesn’t respond back. Just continues chuckle under his breath.

 

**D-176**

“This is my private place. You’re _not_ allowed here!” Junhong stomps his feet when  Jongup saunters into the grounds in front of the elementary school’s garden.

 

Choosing to ignore Junhong,  Jongup crouches down in front of the fence that separates the high school and elementary school and pushes his hand through the fence to pat the guard dog. “My dad pays just as much school fees as yours does, so this is as much my place as it is yours.”

 

Junhong grumbles under his breath and shoves  Jongup away, crouching in his place to caress the dog through the bars. “Asshole”, he mutters under his breath, well aware that  Jongup can hear him.

 

Giving up on trying to warm up to the puppy,  Jongup crosses his feet under himself and cups his chin in his hand as he continues to gaze at Junhong. Smirking when he sees the boy sending him several fervent glances before looking away jerkily.

 

“Your ears are really big,” he wonders out loud.

 

Squinting threateningly at him, Junhong grabs a handful of sand and throws it at  Jongup. “And you’re a midget!” He huffs turning back to the yapping dog.

 

 Jongup, more amused by Junhong’s outburst than offended by the insult, rolls his eyes and lightly kicks his feet as he insists, “I didn’t mean it in a bad way.”

 

“Whatever” the pout on Junhong’s face, makes  Jongup smile.

 

“They say people with big ears live longer, you know?”

 

Junhong snorts at  Jongup’s words and turns away from the dog, walking towards his lunch box. He pulls out a kimbap roll and a juice box, as he says, “then you probably have a very short life, ‘cuz yours are so small.”

 

Waving a fist half-heartedly over Junhong's head, the other boy pulls out his own sandwich and bites into it before speaking. “I’m gonna live a long, long life. Because unlike you,” he points at Junhong and sticks his tongue out “I don’t _need_ a reason to live. I just have to want to live.”

 

“Have you been attending Mr. Hwang’s psychology seminars or something?” Junhong bites back, grumbling as he sips on his strawberry juice. “Don’t shove your philosophies on me, punk!”

 

Chattering at the utter annoyance in Junhong's voice,  Jongup almost falls over laughing at the boy’s aggravated expression. By the time he stops laughing, Junhong has finished his lunch and is playing with the dog again.

 

 Jongup watches the two interact. For once, Junhong doesn’t look like the suicidal, emo kid everyone in school knows he is. For once, Junhong looks happy and enjoying his life.

 

“Do you wanna watch a movie with me?”

 

He doesn’t even know what pushed him to ask but  Jongup doesn’t take back his words to the boy. Something is telling him that that was the right thing to say at the given moment. It might’ve been the cool breeze that carries the scent of spring travelling between them, or the chirping birds that seem to be singing their usual songs of love. Maybe it’s Junhong's smile that is so addictive that it makes his entire being warm up in glee.

 

Junhong’s hand stops where he’s rubbing the dog’s belly, and he turns to the boy with owl eyes. A second later he sputters and grits his teeth, “is this your way of bullying me!?”

 

“How is taking you out for a movie bullying you!?”  Jongup asks back offended.

 

“You might try to rape and kill me for all I know!” The younger one bites back acidly.

 

Rolling his eyes for the nth time that day, it seems it’s become a custom in Junhong’s presence,  Jongup pinches the bridge of his nose and heaves a sigh. Sounding extremely tired of everything as he asks, “why would I take you to a theatre where hundreds of people come to watch a movie if I was, in fact, going to rape you?”

 

Of course, nonchalance at its finest, Junhong shrugs dismissively, “I don’t know. Maybe everyone attending is planning a gang rape?”

 

His expression spurs and  Jongup knocks Junhong’s forehead with his fist as he says, “would you stop being dramatic already?”

 

Rubbing his hand over the place  Jongup just tapped, Junhong pouts and looks away. It takes him awhile before he replies but his reply is one that makes  Jongup smile his angelic smile. One that has been Junhong’s favourite since the first day of elementary.

 

“I wanna watch _Catching Fire_ ”.

 

**D-175**

It’s nice. Actually, it’s more than just nice.

 

Junhong can honestly say he’s enjoying himself. They are waiting in the line for popcorn and  Jongup is undoubtedly very easy to talk to. He makes Junhong feel at ease and smiles without restraint. But, that’s not the only reason why Junhong thinks the night is going well. It’s because Junhong is, for once, not thinking about why he’s alive.

 

For once, he’s just living.

 

An hour before they got in line for snacks,  Jongup had texted him to remind of their little ‘movie date’ (Junhong would never admit to anyone that he was actually looking forward to it, but he so totally was). Having taken a bus to the local theatre, Junhong didn’t have to wait too long before  Jongup came running into the venue from the parking lot, heaving and apologizing for being late. Junhong couldn’t even fathom a reason why being five minutes late to a ‘date’ (note the quotation marks because it’s not _supposed_ to be a date, it’s a hangout, but Junhong has always harboured a little crush on  Jongup; who hasn’t right?) could warrant an apology.

 

“What kind of popcorn do you like?”  Jongup asks him, breaking his train of thoughts, and Junhong stares at him open-eyed before launching into a coughing fit. To his credit,  Jongup looks less than concerned and shrugs turning back to order a large caramel and spicy, cheese set.

 

“I don’t eat spicy” Junhong mutters once he’s safe from, well, thin air.

 

“Good thing I ordered caramel too. You can have it.”  Jongup smirks at the boy and raises his eyes towards the soda section. “Choose a drink.”

 

Junhong grabs two cups, straws and lids and pours himself a coke in one while leaving the other empty for  Jongup. By the time  Jongup makes it to his side, Junhong has added ice to his drink and lidded it. When he feels  Jongup’s presence behind him, he holds the empty over his shoulder towards the boy and waves it around. “Fill yours up and let’s go already. I don’t wanna miss the commercials.”

 

He feels a pressure on his back and before he knows it,  Jongup is holding him in a loose back hug. Junhong gulps at the contact, cheeks turning redder by the second. “Pour me a root beer, Junhongie.” He mutters in his ears but even if he had screamed it, Junhong feels he wouldn’t have caught anything  Jongup had said. The strong scent of musk and rain was muddling his senses. “Junhongie.”  Jongup pokes his cheeks and Junhong blinks awake from his short reverie, taking the cup back with trembling hands. Of course, nothing misses  Jongup and he smirks pulling away. “Remember to add loads of ice.”

 

*

 

“You didn’t have to give me a ride” Junhong mumbles around the strawberry peppero  Jongup bought him, as  Jongup pulls his car into Junhong’s driveway.

 

Pulling the brakes,  Jongup turns to him. It’s close to ten now and the nineteen-year-old looks so much younger than he actually is. Moonlight that filters through the tinted glass of the car’s window makes him glow and Junhong feels faint at their proximity. “It wouldn’t be we a date if I just let you take a bus back home, now would it?”

 

It takes a few minutes to process  Jongup’s words. What with the pleasantly toxic smell of the boy’s cologne that fills his mind with the nastiest images;  Jongup’s lopsided smile that looks like the kind the Devil would shoot at him. The way  Jongup is leaning over the cushioned armrest between, head angled to the right, allowing his collarbones to cut through Junhong’s sanity.

 

He does come to, though, and when he does, Junhong’s reaction is to gawk at  Jongup. “D- date?” He gulps and looks away to fumble with the rings in his fingers. “I- I thought we were ju- just hanging out.”

 

He can literally feel his brain cells committing suicide when  Jongup scoffs quietly and rolls his eyes. “Do you normally dress up like this for a ‘hangout’?”

 

“Huh?” Junhong jerks his gaze up at the boy next to him. He doesn’t break eye contact when  Jongup edges scarily closer and a silent prayer chokes in his throat when  Jongup ruffles his hair with the warmest, most gentle smile he’s ever seen.

 

“You looked good today. Really good.”  Jongup smiles, flicking his nose good-naturedly. “More handsome than you do on normal days.”

 

It should be duly noted that Junhong wasn’t able to sleep the entire night that night.

**D-155**

“You wanna go ice skating over the weekend?”  Jongup asks Junhong, taking a bite from his onigiri. Junhong rolls his eyes and shoves the rest of his lunch towards the older boy, picking out his juice box.

 

“I have a project I need to work on over the weekend.” Junhong tells him but he’s already prepared for  Jongup’s rebuttal of _‘I’ll help you with it. So just come with me.’_ And honestly, even if he hadn’t said that Junhong would have agreed eventually.

 

Because it’s been three weeks since their theatre ‘date’ (it was officially a date!) and  Jongup has been eating lunch with him every day ever since. At first,  Jongup’s absence from the cafeteria during lunch was met with worried glances being sent towards the boy and glares being directed at Junhong but that cooled down pretty quickly on its own. Unlike it is shown on the television, high school kids really aren’t as nosy and evil as they’re portrayed in real life.

 

Junhong worries his lip as he watches  Jongup wipe out another rice ball and reach for a third. There’s a question that has been stuck in his mind for so long - ever since  Jongup decided to hang out with him, actually - but he’s afraid of asking. Afraid he might be right.

 

But, like I said earlier, nothing misses  Jongup. He looks up from his seventh rice ball and raises his eyes at Junhong. When Junhong simply shakes his head and turns back to his juice box,  Jongup heaves a sigh and puts the lunch box down between them. “Just ask me what you’re dying to ask already.”

 

Junhong doesn’t speak though. Words lodged in his throat like poison. But he has to ask. He needs to know - at least, that’s what he tells himself. So, taking a deep breath and gulping rather dramatically in  Jongup’s opinion, Junhong bites his lips as he asks, “What are you trying to do,  Jongup?”

 

“I’m trying to get you to go on a date with me,”  Jongup replies. So much sincerity dripping in his tone that Junhong feels embarrassed to even look at him.

 

“Why?” He whispers back, looking away from the gentle eyes that feel so much like home. Fumbling with his fingers as is his nervous habit.

 

Just by observing the boy’s body language  Jongup can tell he’s scared and anxious. He smiles once again, the same smile he knows Junhong likes even though he’s never been told explicitly, and ruffles Junhong’s hair. “Because you want to kill yourself.”

 

Junhong jerks his head up to stare at  Jongup. Anger and disappointment mingled into a look of despair on his deep-set frown. “So it’s out of pity?!” He himself is horrified by how angry he sounds but Junhong can’t stop himself from grabbing the grass they’re seated on and angrily pulling at it. “Or is it because you think I’m a damsel in distress that you can change?! Because it’s a challenge!”

 

Had it been anyone else, they’d have gotten flustered by Junhong’s outburst and accusations, but  Jongup looks calm as Buddha. He stays silent as Junhong glares at him, heaving. The tell-tale signs of tears starting to gather in his eyes.

 

Because he’s so much more than his disorder. Than his suicidal tendencies. But it’s like all people see when they see him, is a suicidal boy who needs help. Junhong had thought at least  Jongup would’ve been different but that clearly was not the case.

 

“It’s because you’re different,”  Jongup says after several electrified seconds. “I’ve never met someone who wants to die just because he can’t find a reason to live.”

 

“You think I’m a game,” Junhong mutters as a tear trails down his cheeks. It hurts to know that  Jongup isn’t any different than all those people who had once claimed to be his friends. It hurts because he can’t bring himself to look into the gentle eyes of his friend, only to see the same pitiful look of misplaced sympathy being directed towards him. Because it’s  Jongup and Junhong had hoped that he’d be different.

 

Except, he doesn’t know it.  Jongup truly is different.

 

He’s crying. Trying to wipe away the stubborn tears from his face.  Jongup’s expression softens and he moves closer to the crying boy. Holding his face in his hands,  Jongup wipes his tears by the tips of his thumb and pushes his forehead against the younger boy’s. “I think you’re charming, Junhongie.” At that, Junhong elicits another sob.  Jongup starts patting the nape of his neck, still holding his cheeks in a forehead kiss. “So I like you; I wanna get to know you.”

 

Once again, Junhong looks into his eyes. Hopeful and desperate. He needs  Jongup to be different. He doesn’t know why exactly. He just does. “You’re t- telling the truth?”

 

“Yes,”  Jongup mutters breathlessly. Tutting at him as if he were a child. “Besides,” an impish smile graces his lips when he pulls away and Junhong feels all the worries in his mind ebbing away at the speed of light, “I like being a distraction.”

 

“Distraction?” The younger boy frowns, a silly smile, matching  Jongup’s, resting on his lips.

 

“Yeah.”  Jongup nods and pinches Junhong’s nose as elaborates “You’re distracted from wanting to kill yourself when I’m with you, aren’t you?”

 

Junhong finds himself unable to disagree.

 

**D-151**

 Jongup watches from the entry point how Junhong is gliding across the snow as if he were Elsa. Then again, Junhong does remind him of the awkward and misunderstood princess. The smile that is dancing on Junhong’s lips makes the corners of his own lips lift up and  Jongup stops in his tracks while entering the rink.

 

Junhong is dressed in a military green winter jacket, hands gloved and a beanie on his head; red cheeks from the snow and giggling; looking ethereal.  Jongup swears he’s never seen anyone more beautiful than the boy dancing in the snow.

 

He’s must’ve stared for too long though because very soon Junhong is skating towards him. Holding his hands out, chuckling as he yells at  Jongup to “come on, slowpoke! Get in here!”

 

 Jongup looks at the gloved hands of the boy then looks into his eyes. They are shimmering under the spotlights of the indoor ice rink. For a second, everything blurs out around him, giving the illusion of solitude. He almost forgets they’re in a crowded arena. All he can see is Junhong. With that smile and those eyes. So full of life.

 

And he takes the hand offered, letting Junhong pull him into the ice rink. Letting the boy’s giggles ring into his ears like a melody.

 

*

 

Four hours pass by in a single breath and  Jongup finds himself walking beside his date at ten in the middle of a quiet park. It’s not the same one they’d met at though, it’s a different one near the ice rink. The snow crunches against his soles but he’s not in the least interested in nature’s asmr. He’s invested in Junhong tittering around the cotton candy  Jongup had bought him.

 

“You’re a literal four-year-old, you know, Junhongie?”  Jongup chuckles beside him, bringing his hand up to ruffle the boy’s hair.

 

Junhong rolls his eyes but doesn’t make to remove the hand that is now resting on the nape of his neck. Ruffling the fuzz in the back of his neck with gentle ministrations. Choosing to change their train of conversation from his childish taste buds, he turns to  Jongup with slightly raised eyes, “you have to help with the project, okay? Don’t forget it!”

 

The elder one smiles warmly at him and Junhong can actually feel the heat pooling into his gut at the smile. “Don’t worry. I remember. I’ll drop by your place the day after and we can do it then.”

 

“Good!” Junhong smiles back triumphantly. Continuing to gobble down the treat in his hands. He can feel  Jongup’s undivided, affectionate gaze on him. A while passes before he speaks again. “Thank you…” letting the words linger in the cool air of the night before continuing. “For today…”

 

“Thank you,”  Jongup says back evenly. No taunting or sarcasm in his tone. Just sincerity. When Junhong turns to him, eyes hooded in concern, he explains in all coolness, “for coming with me.”

 

Junhong’s ears turn red at the boy’s words and he ducks his chin into his scarf, biting at the remnants of the candy in his hand before throwing the stick away.

 

They are walking in silence when  Jongup speaks again, breaking the awkward yet calm air that seems to have settled between them. “You know,” he begins, staring at the snow beneath their feet, before looking into Junhong’s eyes that are no longer staring at his fingers. He’s looking at the elder with undivided attention. “They say, that giving someone your hand on the ice means handing your life up to them?”

 

Junhong’s eyes scrunch up in question as he dips his head to the right a little. “Why?” is all he asks because he’s genuinely curious about  Jongup’s reply.

 

The boy shrugs as he stops in his tracks and lightly kicks a few frozen pieces of ice, probably puddles of water that froze up as night fell, as he explains. “Ice is one of the most fragile things that nature gives us. Easily broken, easily melted. Once you break it there’s no way it’ll be back to the same shape again. Once it melts, it’s gone. It’s no longer ice.” He lets the words hang in between them as he looks into back into Junhong’s eyes. They are brown with flecks of black around the corners. “To give yourself up while standing on something so fragile is like handing your life up to someone. It’s like walking a tightrope while believing that the person at the bottom will catch if you ever fall. It’s all about how much of yourself are you willing to sacrifice just to believe in someone.”

 

A long while passes as Junhong mulls over the boy’s words. Honest and direct, there’s no hidden meaning behind but Junhong forces himself to see past the simple explanation. Nothing with  Jongup is ever simple for him. It takes aeons to come up with a response but when Junhong speaks he’s sure about his reply. Believes it completely.

 

Junhong looks between, at  Jongup’s hands and taking them in his own, he bites his lips as he speaks. “I’d easily give my hand up to you even if we were walking on plain water,  Jongup.”

 

And it doesn’t even take a second before  Jongup is on the tip of his toes, nose brushing against Junhong’s; hands resting on the back of his neck. Lips hovering above his own. Junhong’s eyes shiver in their socket at their proximity. He can smell the boy’s cologne and feel  Jongup’s heart beating against his own chest.

 

“Can I kiss you, then?”  Jongup asks.

 

Junhong gulps, lips trembling. Any other day he would’ve just gone with the flow of things. Had it been anyone else they’d have simply swooped in and kissed him and he would’ve gladly allowed, but it’s not just anyone here. It’s  Jongup. And he’s asking if he can kiss Junhong. He’s asking for permission even though Junhong can see his entire being is craving the intimacy. He’s giving Junhong the choice even though he doesn’t necessarily have to. He’s waiting for Junhong to say yes so he can dive in and drink in the pleasures that Junhong has to offer.

 

Because it’s  Jongup asking him consent for the simplest, most basic form of affection.

 

So Junhong shakes his head, resting his forehead against  Jongup’s. And he says “No”, closing his eyes. Biting his lips when he hears  Jongup sigh, Junhong shudders when  Jongup removes his hands from his neck and places them on his hips instead. Pulling him closer instead of shoving him away. “B- Because you’re giving me the c-choice…” Junhong whispers almost inaudible. Scared that  Jongup might not understand, not only his words but his intentions as well. Because he’s given the choice. Because he has control for once. “I don’t… don’t want to get swept away…”

 

“It’s okay,”  Jongup is looking at him. Just looking. A small smile on his lips. Junhong doesn’t have to open his eyes to see it. “It doesn’t matter if you’re willing to give me your lips right now or not, Junhongie.” He pulls away and offers him an open palm as he ruffles his hair. “We’re standing on ice right now. Giving me your hand matters more.”

 

Without hesitation, Junhong holds on to the offered hand, walking into  Jongup’s embrace.

 

They walk home that night,  Jongup drops him off before getting to his own. Junhong spends the night staring at his hands, smiling hopelessly at himself.

 

“I talked about not wanting to get swept away…” he mutters sleepily, giggling every once in a while, as he kisses the tips of his finger giddily. “Feels like I already got swept away though…”

 

**D-143**

 Jongup is heaving like a madman by the time he crashes through the door of the general ward. His forehead drenched like the wet towel on a construction worker’s neck. The scene in front of him makes him halt in his tracks. Horrified as he is, he had expected the dramatic IV tubes and respiratory masks and an unconscious body to greet him when he had heard the news on the phone. But, what greets him is Junhong lying on the hospital bed looking only slightly tired.

 

“Ta- Junhongie…” he stutters, walking towards the boy and Junhong looks away from him. Ears turning red when he sees  Jongup looking more haggard than he is.

 

“Are you  Jongup?” A woman sitting beside the bed asks him and  Jongup turns to the lady. She’s a spitting of Junhong, down to the boxy smile;  Jongup doesn’t have to be a genius to figure out that its Junhong’s mother. A man sitting next to her smiles at him. His features, though old with age, tell him that he’s Junhong’s father.

 

The man and woman are looking at him with a serene smile and  Jongup can’t help but step back in awe at the couple. Their son just overdosed on sleeping pills and they were looking so… calm?

 

“Y- yes…” he manages to blurt out after realizing too late that he’s been staring at the two for several minutes now. “I- I’m  Jongup. Moon Jongup.”

 

He bows and watches the woman’s smile broadened as she leaps to her feet and glides over to him. A sophisticated air of calm surrounding her. Her husband follows suit, walking up to  Jongup with a grateful expression.

 

It’s confusing, to say the least when Junhong’s mother pulls him into a hug and whispers a quiet, “Thank You” in his ears. When she pulls back Junhong’s father gathers him into his embrace, and had  Jongup looked away a little quicker, he would’ve missed the woman wiping her eyes with a tissue.

 

They excuse themselves after that awkward little greeting. Mrs. Choi kisses Junhong on his forehead as she tells him that they’ll be just outside the room if he needs anything and walks away patting  Jongup’s cheeks. Mr. Choi hugs his son one more time before he pats  Jongup’s shoulders and walks out the door.

 

And honestly,  Jongup can’t help but feel like the gesture signified more than just a pat on the back. It felt more like them trusting their son with him and that’s a responsibility  Jongup isn’t sure he’s ready for.

 

Nonetheless, the moment the door closes and  Jongup turns to look at Junhong, everything seems to fall into place.

 

Walking over to the boy who’s looking at his lap in obvious embarrassment,  Jongup slumps down beside him. Their thighs are a few inches apart and  Jongup could move up on the bed if he wanted to but he doesn’t. Instead, he reaches for Junhong’s hands.

 

Junhong, when  Jongup pulls his hands into his own, sees the way the older boy’s hands are trembling and he furrows his eyes without meaning. Tightening the grip that  Jongup has on his hands, Junhong pushes himself into a sitting position and worries his lips as he asks, “wh- what’s wrong? Why are you trembling?”

 

 Jongup stares at him for a few short seconds. Stretched moments that fall heavy on his heart. “I thought you were going to die.”

 

His answer is simple and direct and just what Junhong had been dreading.

 

Looking away from the gentle eyes boring into him, Junhong mumbles to himself, “That was the plan at least.”

 

“Why?” Is all  Jongup manages to whisper out? A horrified whisper. His eyes bulging and his lips open in fear.

 

Junhong looks back at him and bites his lips because he’s scared too. Maybe more than  Jongup is. Because he’s sure when he tells  Jongup the reason, the boy will hate him. Hate him for caring for him even. For scaring him like he did tonight. Still, he’s not going to hide anything from  Jongup. Mainly because he doesn’t know how to lie to the boy.

 

“You’ll think I’m stupid.” He mumbles, shame colouring his words. “You’ll get angry.”

 

 Jongup furrows his eyes and moves closer to Junhong. Never leaving the boy’s hands,  Jongup presses his forehead against the younger boy’s into a quick forehead kiss and moves away just enough to leave a couple of inches between them. “You honestly believe that, Junhongie?” His voice is a mixture of worry and smugness.

 

Junhong looks into his eyes. The eyes that feel like a black hole, pulling him in. Like staring into another world entirely. “I read an article today about the Kim Ungyoung…” he starts off and  Jongup can literally see him sweat nervously, but he doesn’t say a word. Junhong might stop and  Jongup needs to know why the boy wanted to kill himself. “And I- I just…” he licks his lips nervously and  Jongup starts rubbing his knuckles.

 

“Take your time, Junhongie”  Jongup breaths out when he sees Junhong hesitate. “But please, tell me why.”

 

The pain in  Jongup’s voice is what makes Junhong speak, “I just realised I’m wasting my life away  Jongup. He was a child prodigy. He was eight when he attended university in the USA,  Jongup!” He sighs, slumping down.  Jongup can clearly see the desperation in his eye, as he continues, “There are children out there that deserve to live so much more than I do, doing great things for the world. And here I am. I can’t even pass Maths without taking extra after-school classes. What right do I have to live?”

 

 Jongup’s features contort into an ugly frown before he sighs. Closing his eyes as he literally breaths out Junhong’s name, “oh, Junhongie.” Releasing a breath of relief.

 

The crippling fear of rejection and hatred engulfs Junhong and he pulls his hands out of  Jongup’s, moving away slightly. “I’m sorry.” He whispers, letting a tear trail down his eyes.

 

 Jongup watches him for the fraction of a second before he pulls him close once again. Holding his face in his hands,  Jongup presses his forehead against Junhong’s once again. Forcing him to look into his eyes as he tells him, “Have you heard about Miryang Gang Rape incident?”

 

“What?” Suffice to say, Junhong’s expression is of bewilderment.

 

 Jongup chuckles as he leans away from Junhong. Taking his hand back on his own,  Jongup continues, “41 high school students. Forty. One. High school students, Junhongie. Boys who were our age gang-raped several middle schools and high school girls for 11 months in Miryang in 2004.” He watches disgust colour Junhong’s features as he continues, “only 5 were sent to juvenile detention and no one was convicted of criminal charges.”

 

“That’s…” Junhong is at a loss for words. He wonders briefly why  Jongup is telling him this, face distorted in disgust but he doesn’t have to ponder for long.

 

“It’s disgusting. Horrifying. Isn’t it?” When Junhong nods his head numbly,  Jongup continues, “There are more people like those boys out there. More people who don’t deserve to live but they’re living anyway. People who should be killed in the womb are still out breathing and happily alive. And you’re worried that you’re not good enough to live?”

 

Junhong gulps uneasily. His breathing wavers as do his pupils as he watches  Jongup. “ Jongup- “he begins to speak but is cut off by the boy.

 

 Jongup takes Junhong’s face into his hands, fingers pressed into the nape of his neck. “Sometimes, it’s better to just be a regular, normal person, Junhongie. You don’t have to save the world to prove your worth.” He presses his nose to the boy’s cheeks. Letting his tears smear into the crevices of Junhong’s face. “Sometimes, not being bad, not hurting someone, is more than enough reason to continue living.”

 

“I’m sorry.” Is all Junhong thinks he can say? It’s such a simple concept that  Jongup so easily puts into perspective that he’s confused why he was worried in the first place. “I’m sorry for trying to kill myself.”

 

“You don’t have to apologise, Junhongie,”  Jongup tells him. Lightly scratching the fuzz on the back of his neck, like he always does whenever Junhong is anxious,  Jongup whispers “it’s your life, Junhongie. You get to choose what you want to do with it.”

 

“But you’ll get worried.” Junhong muffles letting his head fall into the crevice of  Jongup’s shoulder. “You’ll get tired and you’ll get angry.”

 

 Jongup stares at him for another extended second that to Junhong feels like an hour. When he does finally speak, Junhong finds all the doubts in his heart vanish at the speed of light. “Not if you tell me first.” Junhong looks at him in confusion and  Jongup simpers as he explains, “I’m not scared that’ll you die, Junhongie. That’s your choice. It’s your life and you get to choose if you want to end it.” He sighs and watches the older boy trying to understand what he means by that.

 

“I don’t get it” Junhong wonders in a quiet voice, forcing  Jongup to once again ruffle his hair with the fondest of expressions.

 

“I’m just scared I won’t get to say goodbye.”  Jongup shrugs.

 

And it’s such an uncomplicated reason that Junhong feels numb. It’s so simple, but it holds so much meaning.

 

“Why does it matter?” Junhong forces himself to ask, voice wavering only slightly.

 

 Jongup looks away from him then. Getting up to walk over to the window in the room, he opens the latches and pulls away the blinds to let the cool winter air fill the stuffy hospital room. The snow is starting to melt already but the wetness in the air makes him shiver. He quickly pulls the curtains back but doesn’t shut the window. Turning back to Junhong, he walks over to the boy, choosing to sit closer to him this time around.

 

“They say that when someone dies he or she has seven minutes of brain activity left”  Jongup starts off smiling as he gathers Junhong in a side embrace. Letting the boy rest his head on his chest, he hums quietly as he continues, “Those seven minutes are said to be a playback of all your memories in a dream sequence.”

 

“I don’t see where you’re going with this,  Jongup” Junhong tiredly yawns. Suddenly, he’s sleepy. Maybe it’s the cool winter air or the sleeping pills in his system. Or maybe it’s the warmth of  Jongup’s chest pressed against his own. There’s a hint of teasing in his words.

 

 Jongup chuckles lightly at the boy’s voice, sending shivers down Junhong’s spine at the guttural sound of his laughter that seeps through the thin material of his T-Shirt. “Don’t go to sleep, Junhongie” he quietly reminds the boy “you shouldn’t sleep right now.” When  Jongup sees the goosebumps running down Junhong’s arm, he frowns and pulls back. “Let me close the windows. You’ve got goosebumps.” Junhong doesn’t have the face to tell him that it was his laughter that had created them so he lets  Jongup close the window and climb back into bed with him.

 

“I’m not sleeping, just resting my eyes” Junhong mumbles once he’s back in  Jongup’s arms. “I’m still listening to you.”

 

 Jongup hums before he starts speaking again, “out of all those memories, some might be good and some might be bad. You might remember some and some you will skip, right?” When Junhong nods and hums in affirmation,  Jongup continues, “so what’s the guarantee that I’ll be a part of that memory playback?”

 

Junhong looks up at that and pulls away only somewhat. Regarding  Jongup under the flickering LED lights of the hospital room, he’s visited one too many times. All the bravado, all the smugness; the confidence. It’s like all the prowess that  Jongup had to offer is being stripped away right in front of his eyes as  Jongup looks back at him with worried eyes. “Of course, I’d remember you.” Junhong whispers, eyes sparkling with unshed tears. “You’d be one of my best memories,  Jongup.”

 

 Jongup shakes his head almost adamantly. Like a three-year-old saying no to the dentist. “I can’t take the chance.” He stares at his lap defeated as he tries to elaborate. “At least if I get to say goodbye, I’ll try to make the memory last.”

 

“How will you do that?” Junhong asks, more out of amusement than curiosity.

 

He turns to him at that. Face centimetres away. Hot breath grazing the dents on his lips. Eyes hooded lustfully.  Jongup looks more appealing than any person in the world at that moment and Junhong's breathing hitches. “I’ll kiss you,”  Jongup whispers, bringing his hand up to cup the corner of his face. Letting his thumb trail into the dip where his upper lip meets the lower. “Whether you want me to or not, I’d kiss you like my life depended on it.”

 

The air is hot between them; Junhong wishes  Jongup had left the window open. Even the cold air of winter couldn’t dampen the heated emotions that are swerving around them.

 

It doesn’t even take a second of thought. He doesn’t even ponder upon his next move. Junhong grabs  Jongup and presses his lips against the older boy’s. It’s wet and hot and sticky and just what Junhong needs at the moment.

 

 Jongup groans into the kiss as he pushes Junhong back against the headboard and Junhong smiles at the fact that their first kiss was in a hospital bed.

 

Somehow, the picture seems to fit.

 

**D-126**

“That’s Youngjae,”  Jongup waves at the man who’s waving him over in the fancy car that’s waiting for them in the bakery’s driveway. Only Junhong would suggest a date at a bakery and only  Jongup would agree. “My brother.”

 

“He looks nothing like you” Junhong responds back as they make their way towards the waiting car.

 

 Jongup just chuckles and pulls onto Junhong’s hand as they cross the road. “You wouldn’t be the first person to tell me that, babe.”

 

As they cross the busy street and reach the lot where Youngjae is waiting to pick them up in his car, Junhong spies another person sitting in the passenger's seat. And the look on his face, makes something sour erupt in the buds on Junhong’s tongue.

 

“That’s Daehyun,”  Jongup provides once they’re seated inside Youngjae’s car, “he’s Youngjae’s boyfriend.”

 

“Is that all that I am to you?” Daehyun asks with a pout that suits him a little too much in Junhong’s opinion. And he would have actually liked the man too if it were not for the way Daehyun’s voice dropped an octave when he said that.

 

“He’s also my ex-piano teacher turned best friend, turned potential future brother-in-law”  Jongup smirks as he grabs Junhong in a side hug. Junhong doesn’t miss the way his voice cracks at the beginning though. Neither does he miss the way Daehyun’s expression turns dark nor the way Youngjae’s lips tremble.

 

Junhong eyes the man during the entire ride to  Jongup’s home. The way he stares at them through the rear-view mirror. The way his words sound raspier when he’s speaking to  Jongup. The way Youngjae tries talking to him but is refuted several times over when Daehyun changes the topic of conversation to something regarding  Jongup.

 

*

 

When Junhong had imagined meeting  Jongup’s parents, he’d imagined nervous energy surrounding them and judgmental looks. Because Mrs. Moon is part of the Parents Community at their school and she always wears the most sophisticated attire and carries herself with a cold air about her. Intimidating, to say the least. But the woman in front of him right now is anything but intimidating.

 

The moment Junhong walks across the threshold of the house,  Jongup’s mother wraps him in a bear hug. Being the short, petite woman she is, she doesn’t even reach his shoulders so hugging her feels kind of different than hugging his own mother. And  Jongup’s father, unlike Junhong had imagined isn’t a quiet man with a moustache, drinking tea. He’s talkative and so very warm that Junhong feels it was a waste to wear his sweater that day because he’s never left a minute too long before he’s grabbed into a side embrace.

 

And Youngjae,  Jongup’s brother, Junhong finds out is his second most favourite person on earth besides  Jongup. He’s funny, soft and ceaseless with his affections. Despite being in his mid-twenties, he understands  Jongup on a level that’s so unheard of. He suddenly wishes he had a brother like Youngjae that understands him like Youngjae understands  Jongup.

 

He’s forced to realize how perfect a picture with  Jongup by his side looks. Because Junhong’s parents dote on  Jongup like he were their second son and  Jongup’s parents are no different. Because after so long, Junhong is comfortable in a home that’s not his own.

 

His family is so warm, Junhong can’t help but imagine becoming a part of them in the future.

 

*

 

“Did you know your brother’s boyfriend looks at you like he wished he was your boyfriend instead?” Junhong asks him as they walk into Junhong’s porch.  Jongup, once again, offered to walk Junhong home and that is what has them standing at the entrance of the younger boy’s house. When  Jongup looks at him with owl eyes, Junhong tries to mask his jealousy with a smile, “or was that just me?”

 

At Junhong’s embarrassed smile,  Jongup chuckles and ruffles the boy’s hair. Leaning back into the threshold of the still closed front door. “I didn’t think you’d realise that so soon.”

 

“So, you know” Junhong mutters under his breath. Finding it hard to hide the disappointment in his tone.

 

“Are you mad?”  Jongup ducks his head and leans into the small space between because Junhong has chosen to stare at his feet. When Junhong looks up at him with a hint of a pout,  Jongup places his hands on the younger’s waist. Pulling him close as he leans on the wall. Letting Junhong’s weight rest against his thighs.

 

“Wouldn’t you be if I hung around with a guy who was using my brother to stay close to me?”

 

 Jongup smiles bitterly at Junhong’s words and leans his head against the wall his leaning on. Looking at Junhong with hooded eyes. “He’s not with Youngjae because he needs a reason to be close to me.” He flicks Junhong’s nose good-naturedly, “he doesn’t need a reason to justify being close to me. I wouldn’t ignore him or push him away even if he weren’t dating Youngjae.”

 

That makes Junhong frown. Anger settles into the joint of his neck and shoulders. “What do you mean by that?!” He yells and pushes away from  Jongup. So unlike himself. But  Jongup does that to him. Makes him do things he’s never have done.

 

“I’ve known him for more than ten years, Junhongie”  Jongup begins, pulling him back. Junhong wants to resist, but  Jongup’s arms fall warm on his body, so he lets himself get pulled back. “He was my tutor for a good part of my middle school years. Then we became the best of friends. He taught me how to ride a bike and climb a tree and even play basketball.” He huffs tiredly as he closes his eyes, “I’ve known him far longer than Youngjae has.”

 

“That doesn’t mean you have to face him every day knowing he’s in love with you” Junhong bites of spicily. The hatred for the man rolling off him in waves. “What about your brother? Haven’t you thought about how this could hurt Youngjae?”

 

“He cares for Youngjae, Junhongie”  Jongup tiredly explains.

 

He sounds exhausted and Junhong would’ve asked him to just go home and discussed the matter later, but he’s angry. He’s infuriated at the thought that  Jongup might, even if it's one in a million chance of that happening, like Daehyun back. Even if it’s only enough to let him be by his side in that way. He snorts and folds his arms across his chest as he looks away heatedly, “cares my ass.”

 

 Jongup stares at him for a while before he’s speaking again, “he loves seafood but Youngjae doesn’t like it so he never orders it, even though he knows I like it too. He always attends all of Youngjae’s dance practices even if he’ll be the only one in the stadium and Youngjae is gonna be moody once he’s done. Always carries a small pack of hard candies because he knows Youngjae has low blood pressure. Even if I am not going to be with them, Daehyun always makes sure pick Youngjae up after he’s done at the office.”  Jongup opens his eyes and looks at Junhong, who’s looking back at him with clouded eyes. Contemplating  Jongup’s words. “Every time he takes Youngjae out on a date. Every time Daehyun kisses my brother. Every moment they spend is independent of whether I’m there to see it or not. He’s not doing that because he wants to show me or because he wants to keep Youngjae so he can be close to me. He genuinely cares for Youngjae.”

 

“But he loves you,  Jongup,” Junhong stresses, letting his head fall into  Jongup’s chest.

 

“Love isn’t the only thing that makes up a relationship, Junhongie.”  Jongup shakes his head. “Sure, Love is essential. And Daehyun does love Youngjae. It’s just a different kind.” He smiles and cards his hand into Junhong’s hair. “But their relationship is based on trust and respect. Youngjae trusts Daehyun to not betray him. And Daehyun respects Youngjae enough to never think of breaking his heart.”

 

“I’m scared of him.” Junhong whispers, burning  Jongup’s skin with the hot breath he’s breathing down on him with. “You might like him back if he’s always around you.”

 

 Jongup cups Junhong’s face into his hands and smiles. Kissing him slow and lightly. “Just stay in front of me then. Distract me so I can’t see anyone but you,” he mutters against his lips, never pulling back. Mumbling the words into Junhong’s mouth.

 

**D-106**

“Do you remember the day we started dating?”  Jongup asks him as they are working on the bacteria samples during their biology lab. It’s a quiet day and their professor is pretty laid back so they’re not really worried about getting yelled at for talking during class time.

 

Junhong looks away from the microscope he’s been staring into for the past fifteen minutes and stares up at the ceiling as he tries to remember. “I mean… we just… kinda started dating, didn’t we?” He wonders out loud, scratching his head out of habit.

 

 Jongup shrugs and huffs a sigh. “Why don’t we just take the day we met on our first day of dating then?”

 

“Do you even remember the day we met?” Junhong raises his eyes at that. Holding the small slide in his hand while writing the results of the experiment in his notebook.

 

“Of course,”  Jongup beams back him. “It was Naoko Yamada’s birthday that day. I was walking back from watching _A Silent Voice_ for the sixth time when I saw you.”

 

“You’re such a nerd,” Junhong mutters under his breath. He frowns and nods his head but not before asking him, “why does it matter though?”

 

 Jongup, looking like an excited puppy, leans towards him and ecstatically explains, “cuz if we take our first meeting as the day we started dating then on our six month anniversary a comet is supposed to reach perihelion.”

 

“Ooooookay?” He’s completely at a loss for why that’s important but  Jongup makes it sound like the best thing on earth and Junhong will accept that.

 

“I’ll take you to see that comet on our first six month anniversary,”  Jongup promises him.

 

Junhong smiles at the excitement that shining in  Jongup’s eyes and can’t help but ask, “What comet is it? What’s its name?”

 

 Jongup shakes his head mischievously and leans away from the boy, “nope. You’ll find that out on the day of the anniversary. It comes around every seven years though, so try to find out.”

 

“Is this your way of getting me to get obsessed with comets and stars and space in general?” Junhong squints pointedly at him.

 

 Jongup’s sly smile is an answer enough for Junhong to know he’s right.

 

**D-84**

 Jongup crouches down on the balls of his feet after more than an hour of nonstop trekking and when he hears the thud behind him, he can’t help but smile. Turning around in the same position he’s crouched in, he snickers at Junhong who’s lying on his back, heaving as he stares up at the canopy of trees.

 

Reaching out,  Jongup ruffles the boy’s hair and chuckles, “tired, Junhongie?”

 

Junhong shifts his head to allow  Jongup to continue carding his fingers through his matted locks and smiles. “Yes. But I like it.”

 

“That would be a first” the older boy mutters, lying down beside Junhong. Their arms touch as they lie on the ground and Junhong likes it. It’s been almost two months since they’ve been dating but the fluttering is still there. He still gets goose bumps wherever  Jongup touches him.

 

“How far is the temple from here?” Junhong asks him, leaning his head upon  Jongup’s chest.

 

The other boy hums, knowing well that Junhong likes it when he does that (especially when his head is against his chest). “Just a couple of more minutes.”

 

Snaking his arms around  Jongup’s waist, Junhong snuggles into the boy’s side. And despite the sweat lining their bodies,  Jongup doesn’t mind.

 

“We came all the way to Japan.” Junhong begins, “this better be worth it,  Jongup. I really wanted to see the Traditional Art Museum in Kofukuji.”

 

“Don’t worry”  Jongup beams down at him. “Oita Shi Mizu Dera temple is beautiful. It’s such pity so few people know about it.”

 

Junhong hums back in understanding. A thought pops into his mind and he once again turns to his boyfriend. “But you told me you weren’t religious. How come we’re going to a temple then?”

 

A meaningful, cheeky smile carves its way onto  Jongup’s lips and he gives Junhong an all-knowing, secretive look. “We’re not exactly going to be praying there, Junhongie.”

 

*

 

Junhong dips his feet into the cool spring water that is flowing down the Fudarakusan Mountain and into the inlet lake of the temple. A cool mountain breeze is ruffling his hair and he can smell the Castanopsis trees lining the borders of the temple. The view, as promised, is breath-taking and for a second Junhong forgets that his feet are aching from the hike up.

 

“How is it?”  Jongup asks him, settling down beside him on the edge of the lake. Their feet touching underwater.

 

Junhong takes in a deep breath of the fresh mountain air and grins as he lets his head rest on  Jongup’s shoulders, “it’s breath-taking.”

 

 Jongup chuckles and lets the silence prevail. And Junhong wishes he could capture this moment in memory. Sure he can take out his camera and photograph the scenery but that’s not what he wants. He wants to engrave the moment in his mind to be able to live it at will.

 

“You know”  Jongup breaks his train of thought and Junhong hums in reply asking  Jongup to continue. “They say that the spring water that enters this temple through the mountain has the power to grant immortality?”

 

Junhong pulls away at that and scrunches his eyes in question at  Jongup. “What do you mean?”

 

“I’m not religious, Junhongie”  Jongup tells him. Staring at the stagnant water of the lake,  Jongup heaves a sigh before looking back at Junhong. “But the reason I came to this temple is, because the water here is said to be an elixir.”

 

“So?” Junhong whispers. He thinks he already knows but he still wants  Jongup to tell him. A sudden cold thump fills his chest at the mere thought of it.

 

He watches  Jongup pull out a paper cup from their camping bag and walk towards one of the benches near the lake, to fill the cup with the water that is spurting out of the watering holes that line the temple borders. Once the cup is filled,  Jongup walks back to Junhong and sits down beside the boy once again.

 

He takes a sip from the paper cup, all the while aware that Junhong is staring at him, before pulling the cup away. Smacking his lips, he looks at Junhong and brings the cup, still half full, close to Junhong’s lips. Pressing it against Junhong’s open lips. Eyes begging him to just take a sip.

 

And Junhong knows what this means. Even though  Jongup says he doesn’t mind Junhong killing himself, he’s still trying to get Junhong to want live. Even though  Jongup says he isn’t worried, he’s always afraid.

 

Junhong knows drinking the liquid means nothing. It’s not actually an elixir promising immortality. He knows that it’s just spring water that holds no special attributes whatsoever.

 

Still, he’s scared to drink it. Because drinking it would be like promising  Jongup that he’ll live. It’ll be like giving up control of the one thing he can control: his death. And the thought scares him more than anything ever has.

 

But looking into  Jongup’s eyes that are painfully sincere, excruciatingly hopeful, Junhong finds himself unable to deny. He opens his mouth to allow  Jongup to tip the cup, and gulps down the liquid.

 

He agrees to lose control of the one thing he has control of, in lieu of hurting  Jongup.

 

*

 

“This is actually pretty cool” Junhong grins as he slumps down on the wooden floors of the temple room.

 

 Jongup smiles at him as he places their bags in the corner of the little room. Slumping down next to him as he replies back, “I know. Told you so.”

 

The other boy grins at him and plops down on the ground, letting his lumps sprawl like a starfish. Making imaginary angels on the wooden boards of the floor. “It’s so warm here too.”

 

“Steam heated flooring”  Jongup provides, lying down next to him. “They still use the old method of heating.”

 

“This turned out better than I’d thought.” Junhong hums and shifts on the floor to nestle his face into the crook of  Jongup’s shoulders, like he always does.

 

The older boy doesn’t make to move him away but his voice has a hint of reprimanding, “We’re in a temple, Junhongie.”  Jongup’s voice isn’t harsh but stern and it sends chills to Junhong’s spine. “No more than this.”

 

Junhong lifts his head up just enough to be able to place his hand on  Jongup’s chest and rest his chin on the hand. “I’m not gonna rape you,  Jongup.” He chuckles when the boy cracks a smile and rests his cheek against the older’s heart, “we can cuddle, though.”

 

Bringing his arms around the taller boy,  Jongup hums and presses Junhong closer to his side. “We sure can.”

 

They lie like that for a few minutes. A robin sings somewhere in the forest, its voice carrying melancholy into their little dorm. The cricket that fills the night with clicks reminds them that the sky outside is dark and unforgiving. The sunroof above them allows a small window through which stars light up the room.

 

It takes them ages to form any coherent speech, but  Jongup is the first one to speak. “I’ve always wanted to become an astronomer.” He sounds whimsical. As if he’s talking about a dream.

 

Junhong doesn’t look up at him when he says that, but  Jongup can feel the boy’s cheeks lift up in the slightest of smiles. “I would’ve never guessed.”

 

Chuckling at Junhong’s sarcastic response,  Jongup tightens his hold on the boy and continues, “Especially comets. I’ve always liked them a lot.”

 

“What do you like about them?” Junhong asks with sleep lingering in the syllables.

 

“I like waiting for them”  Jongup replies and that’s why Junhong shifts a little to be able to look at the boy.  Jongup is smiling down at him. The gentle smile of his that makes Junhong’s insides burn.

 

“Most people don’t like waiting” Junhong muses, a giggle escapes his lips when he says that.

 

“I have a lot of patience”  Jongup shrugs. “It gives me a reason to continue. Whenever I feel like I don’t want to go on, that I want to stop” he looks into Junhong’s eyes. “I tell myself _no. Not yet. You haven’t seen that comet come around yet. Just a little bit more. It’s just around the corner. Just a little more._ ” He heaves a sigh and turns back to the display of stars in the night sky, “and before I know it, another comet comes around and I end up waiting for that one too.”

 

“That’s your reason to live?” Junhong mumbles looking away from  Jongup and resting his cheeks against  Jongup’s chest once again.

 

“You don’t need a great reason to continue living, Junhongie,”  Jongup tells him. His tone firm and soft at the same time. “If you want to live another day just to watch a movie, that’s fine too.”

 

“You make it sound so easy” Junhong laments silently. Snuggling deeper into  Jongup’s embrace.

 

“Would you rather I make it sound hard?” The older one smirks. He lets silence rein for just a couple of seconds before he’s speaking again. “What do you want to become in the future?”

 

Junhong freezes up at the question. Because not only does he not have an answer, he can’t help but feel a little betrayed that  Jongup would imply something of the sort.

 

“You know and you’re still asking me?” He bites out. Tight-lipped and angry. Because it feels like  Jongup is forcing the idea to him. At the lake and now in here too.

 

“I didn’t mean it in that way, Junhongie.”  Jongup talks in a soothing manner and Junhong feels ashamed that he’s already feeling less infuriated with the boy. “I meant on days you don’t feel like dying. Or when you just don’t think about it for a while.”

 

“I never stop thinking about it,  Jongup.” His voice lacks emotion and his fingers have stopped tapping  Jongup’s side.

 

“Are you thinking about it now?”  Jongup voices out. Hollow and pained. Desperate and hopeless.

 

Junhong bites his lips because it’s never hurt to admit it more than it hurts now. Because admitting it, will hurt  Jongup. Because when  Jongup asks him about it he sounds devoid of faith. He sounds ready to get his heart broken.

 

But he doesn’t lie. He never lies to  Jongup. “Yes.”

 

 Jongup smiles ruefully at him. Tears in the corners of his eyes. Lips wobbling before he bites them to get them to stop shaking. “You would’ve made a great barista.”

 

“I don’t drink coffee,” Junhong mumbles.

 

“Well, you don’t plan on staying alive to become one either, do you?”  Jongup wonders aloud. No bite in his words. “It’s a matter of what if.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“You don’t have to be.”

 

They go to sleep under the shimmering stars. Snuggled into each other like seven-year-olds on a sleepover. 

 


	2. Part 2

**D-70**

“Mom wants you to come around for dinner on Friday” Junhong tells  Jongup while waiting in line for their coffee - hot chocolate for Junhong.

 

 Jongup raises his eyes and nods yes before asking, “Why though?”

 

“Can’t she have you over for dinner?” Junhong raises his eyes challengingly, snickering when  Jongup looks worriedly at his tone. “Relax! I’m kidding.”

 

The older boy mutters incoherently under his breath and swats his forehead lightly as they move up in the queue. “You’re being a little too assholish these days.”

 

Junhong simply giggles at his boyfriend’s tone and explains how, “Mom wanted to talk to you about something.”

 

“What about?”  Jongup asks over his shoulders as he’s ordering their drinks. Making sure to order a cupcake for Junhong because he knows the boy skipped lunch to finish his essay before his afternoon class.

 

“I don’t know”. Junhong shrugs and waits for  Jongup to pay for the order. He grins at the cupcake and takes the tray from  Jongup walking to their quiet corner, whispering to the boy. “It’s probably some sort of sex ed.” He misses the way  Jongup stumbles before settling into his seat and continues, “she probably wants to remind you that I’m young and innocent and to use protection and be careful or something.”

 

“I- I…”  Jongup is at a complete loss for words because what exactly is he supposed to say to that? He ducks his head and watches Junhong eat his cake giddily. “What gave her the idea that we were… you know?”

 

When Junhong looks up from his sweet treat at  Jongup, the spoon is hanging from his mouth in the most adorable way. He looks like the kitten from Shrek, holding onto the pink plastic spoon that is too small for an adult. “I- I mean…” Junhong mumbles around the spoon, trying to avoid eye contact because suddenly his entire body feels hot and  Jongup is looking at him with the most questionable eyes. “I mean… we’ve been dating for like four months now…” both their ears turning red at the implication. “It’s, kind of implied, r- right?”

 

**D-67**

“ Jongup! Come in!” Junhong’s mother always greets  Jongup with the loudest smile and the most boisterous gestures; his father is more subdued but the man is just as welcoming as his own.

 

“Hello Mrs. Choi ! How have you been?”  Jongup echoes back at the approaching woman, sweeping her into a bear hug. He makes sure to not squeeze the woman too much and sets her back only to rest his arm across her shoulders. “Has anyone been mean to you since the last time we met? Has Junhong been a brat, lately? Do I need to knock someone sense into someone for you?”

 

Junhong’s indignant cry of protest is drained out by his father’s rumbling laughter as he enters the room. “I'd hate to be on the list of people needing a thrashing.” He approaches the three and ruffles  Jongup’s hair affectionately when the boy greets him.

 

Mrs. Choi then playfully elbows him in the ribs and pulls  Jongup behind her and into the living room. “The way I see it, you’re the first one who needs a thrashing for tormenting me on a daily basis.”

 

 Jongup chuckles under his breath and allows the slightly shorter woman to pull him through the house and into the kitchen. Junhong watches his parents hover around  Jongup. His mother asking him to taste the kimchi she’d made two weeks ago with the recipe  Jongup had given her. His father watching the pair with a calm expression, giving his own two bits every once in a while.

 

“Junhongie, Sweetie?” the woman calls out to him and he snaps out of the daydream. “Come in here, sweetie.” She waves him over. “Why are you standing in the doorway?”

 

He watches the three faces look at him expectantly and Junhong smiles as he crosses the threshold. It’s a perfect picture. That, for once, distracts Junhong.

 

*

 

“ Jongup?” the man whispers from the doorway and  Jongup looks away from playing with Junhong’s hair to look at his father.

 

“Mr. Choi?” he mutters back, looking down at the sleeping boy in his arms before looking back at the man. “I- I- “ He’s fully aware that he’s lying scarily close to the man’s son, in the dark, on his bed, completely violating all code of personal space. He probably looks like a pervert with the way he’s fondling the boy’s hair. Cringe, can’t even begin to describe how he feels right now.

 

“Could I talk to you for a second?” his boyfriend’s father asks him, pulling open the door as if telling him to come out.

 

Despite wanting to jump like he were on fire,  Jongup makes sure to be as quiet as possible as he’s pulling Junhong’s limbs away from his own. He tucks Junhong under the covers, before turning to the man and exiting the boy’s bedroom. A look at Junhong’s alarm clock tells him its four past eleven and he winces at the knowledge that he’s been staring at his boyfriend for more than an hour already.

 

He follows the man to the kitchen area that serves as a dining area and gulps, scared when he sees Junhong’s mother sitting at the table. Clearly waiting for them. Once seated, he watches the two adults settle in next to each other, talking in undertones and sending him fervent glances. His conversation with Junhong at the café three days ago, makes a comeback in his mind as he replays the boy’s words.

 

_“She probably wants to remind you that I’m young and innocent and to use protection and be careful or something.”_

 

“ Jongupie…” the woman begins. “It’s about Junhong.” She looks at her husband and turns back at  Jongup again, “We… umm…” She licks her lips nervously, like Junhong does and  Jongup’s goose bumps seem to be too excited as he watches the woman try to form coherent speech. “Look,  Jongup… You’ve been dating Junhongie for around four something months now… And…”

 

“And… w- we know that you and Junhongie…” Junhong’s father cuts off his wife when he sees her unable to continue. He huffs a sigh and holds his breath for a few second and then starts speaking again. “Y- you two even went to Japan together… and we allowed you because we trust you… so-“

 

Before the man completes his words though,  Jongup’s threshold of patience tips and he blanches at the couple, “nothing happened!” He’s got his hands up in a defensive manner in front of him. And he looks like a fifteen year old being falsely accused of cheating on his English exam.  _They cannot get the wrong idea! OH MY GAWD!_

 

“W- what?” Mr. Choi dumbly voices out. His eyebrows scrunch up into a frown and he looks entirely confused. Mrs. Choi looks nothing different, if anything she looks more bewildered by  Jongup’s declaration.

 

 Jongup gulps and puts his hands back into his lap as he tries to calm his breathing down. Suddenly he feels breathless as if he’d been running for an hour straight. “W- We only kissed, Sir.”  Jongup tells the man in front of him, cheeks turning redder by the second.

 

The man coughs, embarrassed, and when  Jongup looks up at the pair, he can see the reds dusk onto their cheeks as their eyes are opened larger than they actually are. “A- although that wasn’t what this was about…” Junhong’s dad speak after an embarrassed five minutes drag away. “That’s…” he turns to his wife, who is close to looking like a red cabbage, and raises his eyes in question, “nice?”

 

“I- I’m sorry but…”  Jongup frowns. The twin looks of embarrassment on the parent’s face is a little unnerving, but he feels that maybe there’s another reason for that.

 

“We have to visit Junhong’s grandparents in Daegu next week,  Jongup” his mother hastens to tell him. She’s avoiding his line of vision and now  Jongup is more confused than he was when Junhong told him his mother wanted to talk in the first place.

 

Still, he decides to just go with the current conversation. Anything to get past his awkward declaration of sanctity. “Oooookay?”

 

“Junhongie can’t come because of school but we can’t exactly leave him alone,” Junhongie’s father continues. He’s not looking at  Jongup but at least he’s not stammering now. “And I need to accompany his mother because it’s kind of a long trip.”

 

“Of course,”  Jongup nods his head in understanding. “You can’t let her travel alone all the way to Daegu.”

 

“That’s why we… wanted to ask you a favour,  Jongup” his mother adds. Bringing her rather small hands out, she places them over  Jongup’s and squeezes them as she asks, “do you think you could look after him for a week while we’re gone?”

 

A warmth fills his entire body at the woman’s words.  Jongup gulps and shifts his gaze away from Junhong’s mother’s and looks at his boyfriend’s father. The man has a proud smile on his lips. Trust. The first thing  Jongup can see in their eyes and  Jongup doesn’t know if he deserves that.

 

“A- are you sure you want to leave Junhong with me?” is all he manages to ask. Because this is a big deal. A very big deal. Because as far as he knows, his parents have never left his side since the day Junhong was diagnosed with suicidal tendencies. Heck! They don’t even let him stay out too late.

 

“Of course we are,  Jongup” his father assures him. His smile resembling the one  Jongup’s father sends his way.

 

He watches the pair for any sign of dissuasion but nothing seems to show that they don’t completely trust him with their only son. And  Jongup feels so proud of that.

 

“Yes!” He excitedly nods his head. A tear runs past his eyes but he can’t be bothered to wipe it away. “Of course you can leave him with me! Yes!”

 

*

 

 Jongup’s putting on his shoes in the porch when Junhong’s father comes out of the house with a jacket in his arms. Mrs. Choi had already wished him a goodnight and  Jongup wasn’t expecting Mr. Choi to follow him out but he can’t say he doesn’t appreciate the gesture.

 

“Put this on,  Jongupie” the man tells him, shoving the jacket into his arms.  Jongup doesn’t refuse the item of clothing and quickly dons the article, which only serves to make the man smile all the more. “Your shoulders are bigger than, Junhongie’s” he remarks as he helps  Jongup into the jacket. Patting his shoulders as he watches him continue to tie his shoes.

 

Having fixed his shoes,  Jongup looks up at the man and bows, moving away from the front door, “I’ll see you off at the station next week, Mr. Choi.” He’s almost out the front porch when the man calls him out to stop. When he turns around, he can see Junhong’s dad jogging up to him.

 

Placing a hand on his shoulder, the man coughs embarrassedly, and bites his lips before he asks, “wh- why haven’t you… and Junhongie?”  Jongup doesn’t have to be a genius to know what the man is implying and instantly his ears start to burn. “I- I mean… I don’t exactly mean to pry but…” Another fit of coughs latches onto the man’s lungs as he tries, but fails, to sound like a mature adult. “I mean if it’s because of us…”

 

 Jongup finds himself incapable of looking at the man who sounds equally frustrated himself. But when Junhong’s father mutters to him to ‘Just forget it’ and ‘get home safe’, he can hear the concern and care in the man’s voice. He watches the man turn away, ears equally heated, as he reaches out a hand to hold his arm.

 

The two don’t look at each other but then Mr. Choi stops in his tracks.  Jongup stares at his shoes as he explains, “I’m scared, Sir.” He sighs deeply before continuing, “He thinks being in control is the most important thing on earth. He’s scared of not being in control of what happens around him. It’s one of the reasons he keeps trying to kill himself. Because he thinks that’s the only thing he has control of.” Another silence settles between them during which Mr. Choi turns to watch  Jongup playing with his fingers. He never looks up as he continues to explain himself to the man. “I want him to think he’s at least in control of how we do things in our relationship. At least give him a reason to want to be with me.”

 

They stand like that under the moon for a while after  Jongup’s confession. And when  Jongup looks up at the man, he’s smiling. Mr. Choi then ruffles his hands through  Jongup’s hair and pulls him into a hug, as he whispers to the boy. “If it wasn’t illegal, I’d have married him off to you the day you ran into the hospital ward looking for him.”

 

When they pull back,  Jongup sees Mrs. Choi standing in the doorway, eyes wet with tears as she nods affectionately at him, confirming her husband’s words. Unbeknownst to them, Junhong is watching the scene from the window of his bedroom. Smiling like a Cheshire cat.

 

**D-60**

“I like your bedroom” Junhong tells him as he’s throws his small travel bag on  Jongup’s bed. He smirks turning around to snicker at the boy “but the posters of galaxies and the glue stars on the ceiling are a little turn off.”

 

 Jongup simply rolls his eyes and pulls the boy into his lap by his hand, angling his head to press a quick kiss onto his lips. When he pulls back there’s a cheeky smile on his lips as he bites back, “well you could always use the guest bedroom for the week.”

 

Junhong doesn’t grace that statement with a reply, instead chooses to push the boy into the mattress and straddling him. Kissing him like there’s no tomorrow.

 

*

 

“No!”  Jongup’s mother screeches at him when Junhong tries to get up from the dinner table. “Junhongie you’re not leaving the table until you’ve finished your dinner!” Junhong tries to deny the woman, wanting to tell her that he’s full already, but his mouth is too full with  Jongup’s Mom’s homemade japche. As it is, he only manages to enlarge his eyes like an owl and shakes his head violently.

 

“Mom, he’s gonna a blow up”  Jongup rolls his eyes at the hilarious scene in front of him but does nothing to stop his mother from piling more rice into Junhong’s rice bowl.

 

“Nonsense,”  Jongup’s father pipes up from the head of the table, pushing more fish into his son’s boyfriend’s bowl. “When I was your age, I could eat an entire cow when the occasion came around.”

 

His mother nods her head importantly and pinches Junhong’s cheeks as she continues her husband’s train of thoughts, “and Junhongie is too skinny. He needs more fats.”

 

 Jongup snickers at his parents words and shakes his head as he watches Junhong shoot him looks of betrayal. His boyfriend ends up clearing up the entire rice cooker by the time he’s done.

 

*

 

“I told you, you could eat more,”  Jongup’s mother tells him as she watches the water in the kettle. She plucks out the tea sachets from the cupboard and adds them to the water. “I’m making meshil tea right now. It’ll help with digestion.”

 

“I don’t think I could eat or drink or even smell anything edible right now, Mrs. Park” Junhong winces, rubbing his tummy with pout.

 

His boyfriend’s mother simply giggles at the boy’s pout and pinches his cheeks as she tells him, “You should see  Jongup when he eats. He can actually eat an entire cow if you give him enough time.”

 

Junhong laughs at the mental image and leans onto the kitchen counter as he watches  Jongup talking to his father in the living room. It takes him a while to make up his mind, but before he’s even aware of it, Junhong’s speaking. “I have suicidal tendencies, Mrs. Park.”

 

He watches the woman for any signs of shock. Horror or disgust. Or confusion even. But  Jongup’s mother doesn’t respond with any of his imagined expressions. She doesn’t even look at him and simply nods her head as if what Junhong had told her was of no consequence. As if she’d already known. “ Jongup told me the day he took you out on your first date” she tells him.

 

“Oh…” Junhong responds back. He’s not sure if that’s a good thing or bad, but seeing as he is still standing next to her, watching the tea as it is brewing, he imagines it’s not so bad.

 

The woman then turns to him and smiles as she pats his cheeks in the same loving manner his mother does. “ Jongup is a strong boy, Junhongie. He’s strong and patient and he likes you. Loves you.” Junhong gulps at the woman’s words and watches her turn towards the tea. She switches off the stove and asks him to pull out four cups from the cupboards and pours the warm liquid into each before placing them on a plastic tray.

 

Their conversation ends there and Junhong never asks again and she never broaches the topic. That night Junhong replays his boyfriend’s mother’s words to him as he climbs next to  Jongup in his bed.

 

_“I know you love him just as much, Junhongie.” The woman had told him. Caressing his cheeks as his lips wobbled at her sincerity. “And I’m proud of you for staying with him. It’s not easy, what you’re doing. It’s hard and it hurts, Sweetie. I know it does.” She smiles bitterly at him, “And it hurts you more, knowing it hurts  Jongup, but you’re still here alive and breathing and smiling. I couldn’t ask for more.”_

 

_“I’ll end up hurting him though.” Junhong had whispered back. Tears waiting on his lower lids to fall. “What if he ends up getting so hurt he’s never the same again.”_

 

_The woman had shook her head and smiled gently at him. The same smile that Junhong loves on  Jongup’s lips. “The day he saved you at the Park, Junhong, he was never the same since.”_

 

**D-57**

In the middle of the night when  Jongup wakes up to get a glass of water he does not expect to find Junhong sitting at the windowsill in his bedroom, staring out at the shimmering stars. The moonlight that’s falling down on the boy gives off a pink sheen and  Jongup’s lips curve into a smile at the image. “Junhongie?”  Jongup whispers to the boy but when he doesn’t reply, he chuckles under his breath.  _He probably went to sleep sitting there,_ he tells himself and shakes his head as he walks towards the boy. Once he reaches Junhong he lifts the boy up in his arms and starts carrying him back towards his bed. His body is awfully cold but that could be the cold air from outside.

 

As  Jongup lays Junhong on the bed, he straightens out the boy’s locks and kisses his forehead before turning back to get some water. As he’s walking towards the bedroom door though, he steps on something wet and sticky. When he bends down to look at the tiny puddle in his carpet, it’s too dark to make out what it is. Dipping his fingers into the liquid,  Jongup finds it oddly viscous. Shaking his head,  Jongup continues walking out the bedroom as he’s rubbing the liquid between his fingers.

 

He switches on the kitchen lights and looks back at his hand. Blood. Dark, and sticky and still fresh. His fingers are wet with the sticky liquid and he’s confused for only a second before realization hits him like a train. He runs backs to his bedroom, thirst forgotten and drops down to his knees near Junhong’s form on the bed.

 

His hands shake as they reach out for Junhong’s.

 

A single vertical cut on the boy’s arm stares back at him.

 

 Jongup wants to scream but finds himself unable to. Quickly, he picks the boy up in his arms again, only now realizing that Junhong’s barely breathing. And he races out the room, legs shaking.

 

*

 

Junhong wakes up to the sounds of  Jongup snoring beside him and curses under his breath as he moves to sit up.  A glucose drip is attached to his right hand and his left is plastered in thick gauze. He eyes the glass of water on the night table beside him and makes to grab it, waking  Jongup up in the process. The younger boy pays no mind to  Jongup as he continues gulping down more water.  Jongup knows it’s because he’s afraid to face him right now.

 

Once he’s done, Junhong pulls it away hesitantly, staring at the now empty glass, and keeps fondling with it.  Jongup watches his boyfriend smack his lips for a while before getting up and walking out of the hospital room. Junhong’s heart falls into his stomach as he watches  Jongup leave. He’s this close to having a panic attack when  Jongup enters the room again, carrying a large tumbler of water with him.

 

Smile ever present,  Jongup takes the glass from Junhong’s hand, fills it up, and hands it back to the boy. Setting the tumbler on the night table,  Jongup settles down beside Junhong on the bed.  Junhong gulps down the liquid like it were oxygen. His throat feels on fire at the gaze  Jongup is sending his way. No blame in his eyes. No resentment. Just amusement and affection. Facing him as he chuckles, “slow down, baby. I know you’re thirsty, but there’s a lot of water in here, okay?”

 

“I…” the younger boyfriend starts speaking as soon as he’s done. His voice has finally found him but he’s still unable to look into  Jongup’s eyes.  “I thought you were leaving…”

 

 Jongup raises an eye at the statement. He’s  not  sure what gave Junhong the idea that he would leave him alone in the hospital at this time, but he’s not going to reinforce the idea one bit. “And where would I go, once I left?”

 

Junhong looks up at that. And he lets out a cry of despair at the eyes that are staring back at him. “Why aren’t you mad at me? Why aren’t you yelling!?”

 

“Because I know there’s a reason”  Jongup tells him quietly. His words falling heavy between them. When Junhong’s breaths waver and he bites his lips,  Jongup moves closer towards the boy, cradling him in his arms. For once, Junhong look so much smaller than  Jongup. For once,  Jongup finds his mind filled with things to tell the boy. “Don’t cry, Junhongie.” He whispers to the boy, resting his lips in the boy’s hair. “Please don’t.”

 

“Why d- didn’t it w- work?” Junhong stammers against  Jongup’s chest. His lips scraping along the older’s ribs. His tears wetting the fabric of  Jongup's night shirt. “A- aren’t vertical slits supposed to be incurable?”

 

 Jongup knows that Junhong is trying to change the topic. He’s trying to distract him from the actual matter. “What happened, Junhongie?” he asks the boy instead, ignoring his silent cry to just give it a rest. Because he needs to know. He has to find out the reason if he wants to stop Junhong from committing suicide ever again. “Tell me, please.”

 

The autumn air that runs past them is warm with a hint of wetness in it. But it still makes Junhong shiver in his boyfriend’s embrace. He’s scared. So very scared. But, not of  Jongup, of course. He’s scared of being judged by him. Or hated. Or plain misunderstood. He’s scared of so many things, and amongst them the thing he’s most scared of is losing  Jongup.

 

But he’s never lied to  Jongup. And he’s never going to either. “Y- you changed!” He calls out in despair, dragging his face against the fabric of  Jongup’s clothes until his face is nestled in the dip of his neck and shoulder.

 

A frown settles into  Jongup’s forehead at the boy’s words and he pulls him away on try and gauge his expression. Junhong shies away from the gaze and whines quietly, pushing his face into crevice it was previously lodged into. Stuttering with his boyfriend’s lips against his Adam’s apple,  Jongup asks him, “w- what are you talking about, Junhongie?”

 

“You’re Mom said you changed” Junhong whispers, rubbing his face on  Jongup’s collar bones to allow his tears to dry “ever since you met me.”

 

Relief floods into  Jongup’s lungs at his words. And soon, it’s replaced by amusement. He knows he’s acting weird. He’s feeling weird.  _Shouldn’t I be angry at Junhong for trying to kill himself over something so insignificant? Shouldn’t I want to end this relationship if all Junhong can offer me is his insecurities and anxieties._

 

But even as he wonders to himself  Jongup knows. He knows he’s so ardently in love he can’t even fathom hating the boy for anything. And it should be daunting, loving someone so much. But,  Jongup isn’t in the least bit scared.

 

He pulls Junhong away from him to look at the boy. His boyfriend is trying so hard to keep his line of sight away from  Jongup’s.  Jongup thinks it’s adorable the way Junhong keeps meeting his eyes nonetheless only to steal them away in a fraction of a second.

 

“I didn’t change by chance, Junhongie” he begins, tucking the boy’s hair behind his ears. Wondering to himself if Junhong is planning on growing a mullet,  Jongup smiles to himself because he’s almost ninety percent sure Junhong could pull it off. Instead, he cups his face and presses his forehead against his own. He watches Junhong’s eyes flutter in their attempts to avoid  Jongup’s heated gaze and feels butterflies flutter in his gut at that. “I chose to change. It was my choice.”

 

“But you didn’t have to do that,” Junhong, once again due to habit, whines. “Why did you have to change yourself for me? That’s not fair!”

 

Shaking his head, with the most enamoured look in his eyes,  Jongup pecks Junhong’s lips chuckling softly as he massages his finger into the nape of Junhong’s neck. The fuzz of the back of his head is soft and  Jongup wants nothing more than to cuddle the boy into his arms and breathe into his hair. Let Junhong be the small spoon for once and just nuzzle into his neck. But he decides to wait, choosing to finish the conversation between them first.

 

“I didn’t change for you, Junhongie” he whispers, his breath fanning Junhong’s face. “I changed because I wanted to.” As Junhong finally looks up at him in what is apparent as confusion,  Jongup slides into bed beside him. “Do you think I changed my hair colour for someone else?” He asks but doesn’t wait for a reply. “Do you think I change my clothes before bed because I just don’t like sleeping in sweaty clothes or because I want to impress someone? Or that I sometimes switch up my standard order at the coffee shop because someone’s watching and I don’t want them to judge me?”

 

As understanding dons upon him, Junhong humbles and mumbles into the boy’s neck, “no.”  Jongup doesn’t punctuate his response so Junhong continues instead, all the agitation in his voice suddenly lost “okay… I get it.”

 

The older boy smiles at his boyfriend’s tired acceptance and presses Junhong back into his embrace. Whispering to him as he drifts off with the boy in his arms, “I changed to keep you to myself, Junhongie.” He starts rubbing soft circles near Junhong’s belly button through the hospital provided scrubs. “I became a lot more selfish, for starters.” His chuckles make Junhong’s heartbeat slow down and he finds himself falling in sleep again.  Jongup’s sleep drowned voice making him all the more drowsy. “I am a lot more anxious now, but I don’t think it’s all that bad. You keep me on my toes.”

 

“Anxiety isn’t a fun thing,  Jongup” Junhong mumbles sleepily, already knowing that  Jongup will have some witty reply to his statement.

 

“A person can’t be alive without a little bit of anxiety to spice things up”  Jongup tells him, and like every other time he has, Junhong believes him. “You know those people who tell you that you’ll never understand how a schizophrenic feels?” Junhong hums and  Jongup continues, rubbing his fingers into the boy’s scalp. “They’re wrong.”

 

Junhong doesn’t bother looking up at him in mock surprise because obviously they’re wrong.  Jongup says they are, so “obviously they are.”

 

“Anxiety. Depression. Fear, moments of dissociation, anger, frustration. Hopelessness, angst and every other damn emotion that a schizophrenic feels,”  Jongup says “we all feel it too at some point in our lives.” He kisses the top of Junhong’s head as he continues, “we know exactly how schizophrenics, or even people with suicidal tendencies, feel, not because of several years of medical research but because we have felt those things too. We know what those emotions are. The medical researches and all those experiments are conducted so we can know how to ‘control’ those feeling not to recognise them.”

 

Junhong hums and slowly looks up just enough to kiss  Jongup. He rests his cheek on top of  Jongup’s and mutters, “I never realised that. I always imagined psychologists as people who were trying to figure out exactly what I was feeling. As in, they just couldn’t understand the emotions I was going through.” He buffs as sigh, allowing  Jongup to kiss him. “I never realised that other people felt like I did too. Sadness, anger, frustration. When you put it that way, my illness doesn’t feel that abnormal.”

 

 Jongup rests his arm across Junhong’s waist and pushes him down so that the boy I lying across his chest again. “The only difference between people with mental disorders and those without, is their ability to control their actions when they don’t feel all too good.” Another kiss and sigh. “The only difference between an undiagnosed Moon  Jongup and a Choi Junhong with suicidal tendencies, is that Moon Jongup feels like killing himself at times too, but he has the ability to ignore that instinct whereas Junhong usually acts upon his.”

 

“What makes Moon  Jongup want to kill himself?” Junhong wonders out loud

 

“Well,”  Jongup smirks “sometimes, Choi Junhong, his boyfriend, bites his lips when he’s nervous and it drives  Jongup crazy! So much so that  Jongup has contemplated suicide several times already!” A hint of cheekiness and mirth in his tone.

 

A feat of giggles leave Junhong’s lips at his boyfriend’s words and he doesn’t stop himself from straddling  Jongup and kissing him crazy.

 

**D-44**

Junhong watches from his seat on the couch how Daehyun, rather bluntly, asks Youngjae to exchange seats with him so he can sit closer to  Jongup. He can make out the gloominess that engulfs  Jongup’s brother at the man’s words. And, he also takes note of  Jongup’s utter nonchalance at the matter.

 

It’s a Sunday, so Youngjae has come back home earlier from his tennis practice with Daehyun tagging along. Honestly, Junhong thought he could handle it, but clearly he’s unable to. Mainly because Jung Daehyun is a very good guy. He’s attentive towards Youngjae’s likes and dislikes, and talks with a certain maturity about him. He’s just as playful as you’d expect any of  Jongup’s friends of being and he’s from Daegu. When they had been eating dinner, Daehyun had helped Junhong sneak away the beans on his plate. And when Junhong had told him that he liked his music, he had invited the boy over to his studio to watch him work sometime.

 

It’s hard to not like the man, Junhong can admit that. And he’s sure easy on the eyes too. But that’s all the more reason he dislikes Daehyun.

 

Even now, Daehyun is resting his head on  Jongup’s shoulders but he’s holding tightly onto Youngjae’s arms. They are sitting in a single three seater in front of the television and there’s just enough room for Junhong to squeeze in beside  Jongup on his left. He watches how  Jongup rests his head on top of Daehyun’s and he just feels jealous.

 

There’s absolutely no pretty way of saying this. He’s angry and he feels despair at the feeling that is settling into his guts. He wants nothing more than to tear off Daehyun away from his boyfriend and throw him out the house.

 

Of course, he can’t do that, so he settles in silently pouting and getting into the space beside  Jongup.

 

*

 

Twenty minutes into the movie and Junhong feels the jealousy in his heart giving way to self-loathing. There’s very less space on the couch so it’s a tight squeeze. And where Junhong actually likes the fact that  Jongup is half draped over him, the fact that Daehyun is forced to lie over  Jongup makes his blood boil. But during all this, all Youngjae does is send fervent glances towards his boyfriend and brother and turn back to the television screen as if it’s something that happens all the time.

 

He just can’t understand Daehyun or Youngjae. Or  Jongup even. He’s angry, granted he doesn’t know at whom but he is. Maybe it’s Daehyun who’s clinging onto his boyfriend like a leech. Or maybe it’s Youngjae who’s doing absolutely nothing about the entire ordeal. Or maybe it’s just  Jongup, who’s completely ignoring his brother’s silent gazes and allowing Daehyun to act this way.

 

*

 

“Why’re you out here?” the voice breaks through his thoughts and Junhong turns around to look at Daehyun staring at him. They are standing in the little balcony in  Jongup’s room. Junhong watches Daehyun close the sliding door behind him and lean on the glass. Arms crossed in front of him and smirking. When Junhong doesn’t reply, instead biting his lips, the man leans off the glass and moves to stand next to him. Gazing off at the night sky like Junhong had been a few minutes ago. “I used to love the view of the night sky from  Jongup’s bedroom. Still do, to be honest.”

 

Having cursed the man mentally for the past hour, Junhong finds himself unable to reply. He graces the man's declaration with a snort and rolls his eyes, turning back at the view. “He’s crazy about space and stars and everything outside earth. Of course he has the best night view.”

 

A bitter smile traces the man’s face. “He’s a good boy, that one.”

 

The words are not exactly provocative, but Junhong knows how Daehyun feels for  Jongup. He knows that it’s not just fondness that Daehyun speaks with but also lingering feelings. “You like him a lot, don’t you?” He whispers, wondering what exactly he’s expecting to hear.

 

“I love him” Daehyun whispers, and his tone declares sincerity. The kind a love confession holds. That kind that shouldn’t come from a friend.

 

Junhong turns to watch Daehyun stare at the night sky, smiling at the stars. He wishes he knew what the man is thinking, but he’s also scared.  _What if he’s praying for me to disappear from  Jongup’s side? What if he’s wishing we break up?_

 

“Why are you dating Youngjae then?” He whispers, not allowing guilt to latch onto him for startling Daehyun with his question.

 

Silence. Neither Daehyun nor Junhong try to mar the quiet around them as the words Junhong said echo in the night air. Laughter from the living window next to  Jongup’s balcony, filters with the breeze towards them and both turn towards the voice of their boyfriends laughing as they clear the living room. A few minutes pass before Daehyun speaks again.

 

“It’s true.” He nods his head and Junhong looks at him to watch for any signs of regret but nothing colours the man’s feature except for disappointment maybe. “I like  Jongup. I have since he was in middle school.” Junhong’s knuckles turn white as his hands turn to fists on the concrete railing he’s leaning upon. Daehyun chuckles at the sight and continues “and I really do wish we could be together but I have never done anything that would break his relationship or my own with Youngjae, for that matter. I’ve never been suggestive and I’ve never once let my feelings be known to the two.”

 

Junhong sends a judging gaze at Daehyun and huffs sigh. Closing his eyes tight and breathing heavily, he counts to ten before opening his eyes again. He doesn’t look at Daehyun as he asks, “you really don’t think it’s suggestive when you’re literally draping yourself all over  Jongup even with Youngjae sitting right next to you?”

 

Alarm shoots across Daehyun’s eyes for the shortest second before it’s replaced with the same nonchalant cool that he carries. “ Jongup has been my best friend since middle school and Youngjae knows I’m close to  Jongup, he won’t misunderstand.”

 

“That’s not an excuse for you trying to get it on with your boyfriend’s brother, Daehyun.” Junhong calmly declares.

 

The man beside him sighs and bends knees a little to hang off the low railing in the gallery. Huffing another sigh as he continues to smile. “I’ve never dated anyone in my life besides Youngjae and I’ve never been unfaithful to him.”

 

“I’m not saying you’re being unfaithful” Junhong begins, “I know I must sound like a jealous boyfriend. And I am jealous.” He heaves a sigh and turns towards Daehyun, smiling despite himself. “But  Jongup loves me. A lot. I’m not exactly worried that he’ll leave me just because of your advances.”

 

“I’m not making any advances on him” Daehyun bites out, fisting his palms. Junhong is surprised to see that Daehyun actually means it too. His eyes showing anger and not the fear Junhong had expected at being caught.

 

Staring at the man for the longest while, Junhong’s eyes shine in understanding as he realises. “You don’t realise what you’re doing, do you?”

 

“What are you trying to say?” Daehyun squints at him challengingly, but his voice exudes insecurity.

 

“You’re not hiding it, Daehyun. You’re not the least bit subtle about it.” Junhong wonders if he should just spare the man and lie to him but he knows that’s not going to help anyone. Daehyun included. “Daehyun, both  Jongup and Youngjae know that you like  Jongup.”

 

Junhong watches Daehyun’s eyes turn large and his lips turn dry. He can see the fear reflected in the man’s eyes and he feels angry at himself for even starting the conversation in the first place. He knows exactly how scary it must be for Daehyun. How worried the man must be at the prospect of losing  Jongup’s friendship even.

 

But yet again, Daehyun catches him by surprise. Just like how Junhong had misconceptions about Daehyun being an asshole who he would hate for all eternity, but ended up liking the man more than most humans. “H- Youngjae… Youngjae knows?”

 

Junhong is surprised beyond understanding because he’d expected Daehyun to worry about  Jongup finding out more than Youngjae finding out. But when the man storms out of the gallery and back into the house, calling Youngjae’s name instead of  Jongup, he ends up respecting the elder all the more.

 

*

 

“You told him we knew?”  Jongup asks his slowly in an undertone as they’re lying in bed. His voice tight and expression unrelenting.

 

“I had to” Junhong tries to justify himself even as he tries to think of an excuse.  _Why exactly did I tell Daehyun? It’s not like it would magically change how Daehyun felt for  Jongup. Neither would it change how  Jongup felt for Daehyun. Telling Daehyun would literally not change a thing between me and  Jongup so why did I tell him anyway?_  “Daehyun needed to know,  Jongup.”

 

 Jongup’s face turns stony and he pushes Junhong away, sitting up in the bed cross legged as he stares at his boyfriend. If Junhong didn’t know any better he’d think  Jongup was going to punch him.

 

“What the fuck do you mean by he had to know, Junhongie!?” The older boy yells, making Junhong jerk up next to him. Sitting up, Junhong watches  Jongup’s face turn red in what is obviously anger and he feels fear settle into his stomach as well as wrath.

 

“I had to tell him that he was not being subtle at all while trying to seduce you,  Jongup!” Junhong bursts out, heaving as he punches  Jongup’s shoulder lightly. “He doesn’t even know that he’s literally ignoring his own boyfriend in the process!”

 

“It’s NOT your job to tell him!”

 

“I did it for Youngjae!” And suddenly Junhong realises that he’s not lying. He realises that despite being insecure with Daehyun around the actual reason he told the man wasn’t for  Jongup, but Youngjae. He sighs and drops his head on  Jongup’s shoulders, biting his lips when  Jongup doesn’t bring his arms to embrace him. “Don’t misunderstand me,  Jongup. Please.”

 

“I had thought that I at least made you feel confident with our relationship, Junhongie”  Jongup whispers. A haunting howl in the night. The older boy doesn’t make to hold him and when Junhong tries to snuggle into his neck, he turns his face away. A frown ever present in his face. “I can understand every emotion of yours but not you wanting to sabotage my friendship with Daehyun. Don’t I treat you well enough for you to know that I’d never leave?”

 

His words get lodged into his lungs when  Jongup doesn’t even sound apologetic for his sternness. When he sounds downright angry. “It’s not about us,  Jongup.” Junhong presses on. His voice shaking with the effort to not cry. “It’s about Youngjae and Daehyun and  _their_  relationship. Yes, I get jealous but I’d never try to break your friendship like that.”

 

“Then why would you do that?” He sounds tired and Junhong aches to just kiss him. But, he doesn’t push him. “I trusted you to keep it to yourself when I told you about Daehyun. I trusted you to not go out of line.”

 

“Do you have any idea what expression Youngjae has on his face when he’s looking at the two of you?” Junhong asks him. He doesn’t look up at  Jongup because he knows  Jongup is too angry to want to look at him. “He looks despaired,  Jongup. He looks hopeless. Pathetic even. Like he wants to pull Daehyun away from you and punch someone. Like he’s confused who to punch, Daehyun or you.” Junhong bites his lips as he pulls away from  Jongup. Staring at his fingers cradled into the other’s lap. “It’s not because of you,  Jongup. It’s because it’s only right for Daehyun to know that he’s wearing his heart on his sleeve for you and he doesn’t even realise that. He doesn’t even know that Youngjae’s bearing open wounds while smiling for him.”

 

Junhong thinks  Jongup’s still mad at him when he doesn’t reply, but is caught by surprise when the boy swoops down to kiss his lips instead. A heady, wet kiss that is quick but enough to let Junhong know that everything is alright between them.

 

They don’t speak after that.  Jongup simply pushes Junhong down in bed, leaning over him to grab his cell phone from the night table. The younger boy watches his boyfriend dial a number and smiles to himself when  Jongup asks his parents’ permission to let Junhong stay the night over the phone. Sliding down beside him once he gets the okay to let Junhong sleep over.

 

**D-23**

 Jongup wakes up to a pounding on his window and immediately thinks it’s a ghost. He brandishes his night lamp and cowers under his blankets, making his way towards the windowsill. A silent prayer on his lips. Of course when he opens the window he’s greeted with a very excited Junhong, waving at him from behind the window.

 

Frowning as he hastens to open the window latches,  Jongup wonders what time it is, but considering he went to sleep around midnight and it’s still dark out, he’s sure it’s somewhere around three or four in the morning.

 

“What are you doing here at this time, Junhongie?” He whines falling into bed as soon as his boyfriend climbs in through the open window. Groaning when Junhong falls on top of his stomach with purpose. “And why didn’t you just come in through the front door. You have your key, don’t you?”

 

“That wouldn’t be romantic” Junhong claims, kissing  Jongup’s stomach through his nightshirt. “Happy Children’s Day,  Jongup” he mumbles into the shirt, smiling when  Jongup’s hand starts ruffling his outgrown hair.

 

They stay silent, breathing in each other’s scents for a few minutes before  Jongup starts speaking, “What’s the plan today? We’ve got the weekend off. Do you wanna go on a road trip?”

 

Junhong looks up and nods before plopping back down in  Jongup’s stomach. “Let’s go to Hakampo Beach. In Chuncheongnam.”

 

“Chuncheongnam?”  Jongup wonders nudging Junhong lightly. “Why there?”

 

“I heard the Hakampo Beach is really beautiful and it’s really unpopular so there’s probably not gonna be many people there by the time we get there.” Junhong explain, trailing his fingers under  Jongup’s shirt to play with the rift of hair near his belly button.

 

It takes a few minutes for  Jongup to come into terms with what Junhong has said, what with the boy’s daring attempts at skinship, but he jerks up and pushes Junhong in a sitting position when he realizes what Junhong is talking about. “You mean right now!?” He shrieks. And when Junhong nods utterly sure of himself, he reaches for his alarm clock and gasps at the time. Turning the device to Junhong as he points at it. “It’s three in the morning right now, Junhongie!”

 

Junhong shrugs and stands up. He walks towards  Jongup’s wardrobe and starts pulling out his clothes, dropping them in an airbag that  Jongup had completely missed when the boy had entered his room. “It’s a six hour long trip,  Jongup. We better head out early” he says over his shoulders. A Cheshire grin smudged on his lips.

 

*

 

“I heard it’s one of the loneliest beaches in South Korea” Junhong tells him while he’s making a turn down the winding road towards Hakampo Beach.  Jongup snorts and continues speeding downhill towards the beach front. And sure enough, it’s a lonely, almost abandoned, beach.

 

“Well, it looks pretty decent”  Jongup nods his head as he starts pulling the car into the parking area for the beach. “God! My shoulders feel like they’ll fall off” he groans, twisting his shoulders. He spares a glance towards his boyfriend and a fond smile falls into his lips.

 

Junhong leans away from the open window and turns to him with a smile. Bringing his hands out to card through the older boy’s hair. “You should’ve rested at the pension for a while before we set off again,  Jongup.” They were able to rent a motel room for the night and having showered, had decided to explore the city. Despite Junhong asking  Jongup rest for a while, the elder one had refused. “You’d been driving for eight hours and then we even went out exploring the city on foot.”

 

“I’m okay, Junhongie” the boy whispers. Pulling the brakes, he switches the car off and rests his arms over his boyfriend’s car seat. He leans down to kiss to the boy with a giddy smile and pulls away, opening Junhong’s door for him with the most charming smile he could muster. “I’m dying to see this surprise you said you’ve prepared for me.”

 

Junhong laughs and pecks  Jongup’s lips before getting out of the car. A spring in his steps.  Jongup can tell Junhong is very excited for whatever surprise this is. And in turn,  Jongup feels all the more excitement coursing through his veins. Shaking his head at his own adoration for the boy, whose busy unloading their beach supplies from the trunk,  Jongup makes to follow.

 

*

 

“What’s the comet you had wanted to show me?” Junhong mumbles into  Jongup’s chest. When his boyfriend looks down at him, he continues, “You said you’d show me a comet on our sixth month anniversary. What comet is that?”

 

 Jongup grins and nudges the younger boy, “suddenly interested in the outer space?”

 

Junhong rolls his eyes and sits up, pulling  Jongup to follow, and shoves away the blanket they’d been lying under. “Wouldn’t you want that, huh?” He shakes his head and starts fondling with  Jongup’s fingers in his hand as he explains, “I actually…” He looks up at  Jongup briefly for a split second before turning back towards their entwined hands. “Please don’t get mad when you hear this,  Jongup” Junhong pleads, holding on tighter to his boyfriend’s hands.  Jongup feels a desperation lining Junhong’s words, but doesn’t interrupt him. Mainly because he’s almost sure about what Junhong will say. “I- I wanna know in case… we don’t make it till our sixth month anniversary.”

 

Frowning at his boyfriend’s words,  Jongup places his hand under Junhong’s chin to make him look into his eyes. Seeing him biting his lips in, what anyone can tell is, nervousness. “Why would you say that?”

 

“Because ours is a love story that has a time limit,  Jongup” Junhong whispers. Letting a tear fall down his eyes.

 

And  Jongup knows that every word Junhong is saying is true. Their love story does have a time limit. One that is set by Junhong’s suicidal episodes. He knows that Junhong is a flight risk like no other. He’s not even sure about the next day. If tomorrow morning he’ll wake to an alive Junhong or not.

 

But, despite everything he still can’t see himself agreeing with Junhong. Cupping the younger’s face so Junhong can’t look away,  Jongup presses a desperate kiss into his lips. One which Junhong returns with just as much thirst. As he pulls back,  Jongup presses his forehead against his boyfriend’s and keeps his hold on his face as he mumbles with conviction, “I’m not going to tell you the name of that comet.” He stares deeply into Junhong’s eyes for any signs or denial but when nothing but grief looks back at him, he continues, “I want you to wait for it. Like I do. Live to see it, like I am.”

 

“And then?” Junhong whispers against his lips. Crying as he presses another kiss to the boy’s lips. “What happens after I’ve seen the comet?” The younger’s lips trembling as he brings his hand up to hold  Jongup’s on his face. Hiding his face in the palms of his boyfriend’s hands. “I’ll want to kill myself again,  Jongup.”

 

The boy shakes his head, like a stubborn child unwilling to give up his candy, and says, “Then I’ll come up with another one for you to wait upon.” He heaves a sigh when Junhong only cries harder and presses the boy’s face into his chest. Rubbing his back gently,  Jongup sways to the rhythm of his breaths. Cradling Junhong in his lap. “Just until our half year anniversary, Junhongie. S- Stay alive till then. I p- promise... ”  Jongup chokes trying to bring himself to say the words. “I promise I’ll find a reason for you to l- live a little longer even after you’ve seen the comet.”

 

Junhong’s not sure what pushes him to say it. Maybe it’s the cool breeze drifting towards them from the ocean or maybe it’s the loneliness that surrounds them at the beach. He think it might be  Jongup’s dedication towards him. The younger boy looks up at the elder one and with lips trembling, smiles. Kissing him once more as he declares, “I love you,  Jongup.”

 

Realization hits him harder than the confession. They’ve been dating for over five months now but this is their first declaration of love. And it isn’t  Jongup that’s confessing. It’s Junhong. Nothing could compare to the feeling of being confessed by his boyfriend,  Jongup finds and words fail him. As it is, all he finds himself capable of is nodding lamely and stumbling over his words. “So… so you… you won’t… I mean... You’re not… you won’t… won’t kill… yourself? I mean… You’ll let me know when… I mean…”

 

Nodding his head almost giddily, Junhong seems elated by his own confession to the boy.  Jongup could swear he felt the earth shake a little at the smile Junhong sends his way. “Yes. Alright” the younger boy begins “I’ll wait for the comet to come around.” Pointing a dainty finger towards the elder boy, Junhong mock threatens his boyfriend, “Don’t you dare tell me its name before the anniversary. I won’t try to find out what it’s called either.” Letting a pout grace his features Junhong starts fiddling with  Jongup’s shirt buttons, not really unbuttoning them but teasing nonetheless. Shyly, he looks up at  Jongup, and mumbles under his breath, “I’m gonna wait for it to come around and then you have to tell me what it’s called. If it’s not through you, I don’t want to know the comet’s name.”

 

Those words. Those words are what drive  Jongup’s confession. A soft, but firm “I love you, Junhong” leaves his lips and  Jongup knows, for sure, that he’s never been, nor will he ever be, more sincere than he is right now. Because Junhong promising him to live just for him, is a sacrifice he knows is painful for the younger. He doesn’t have suicidal tendencies, but he knows what Junhong feels. And knowing the younger’s pain he can’t fathom why Junhong would promise him something so utterly impossible.

 

But even as he says those three words to his boyfriend,  Jongup just knows. It’s cliché but he knows this. That Junhong loves him enough to want to live and  Jongup is scared by that. Scared because Junhong has made him a God just by agreeing to stay alive for another day.

 

They stare at each other for elongated seconds that feel both, infinite and not enough. A galaxy of emotions stare back at him and  Jongup feels divine. To have Junhong look at him with those eyes, that expression, makes him feel otherworldly and he’s terrified.

 

“You wanna see that surprise I prepared for you?” Junhong asks him, breaking his train of thoughts as he gets to his feet.  Jongup nods eagerly at him and Junhong smiles, pushing his hand out at the boy. Pulling him up, Junhong drags  Jongup towards the beachfront where the waves are crashing at the sands lightly.

 

“Where are we going?”  Jongup finds himself asking. Staring at Junhong with a lost expression.

 

“Into the water”.

 

“And why, may I ask?”

 

Junhong let’s go of  Jongup’s hand when they reach the waves. The water licking at their feet like a tired puppy. The boy raises an eyebrow at his boyfriend, who seems to be enjoying his secrecy a little too much. Junhong doesn’t give an explanation as he starts back walking into the ocean, never looking away from  Jongup. Letting the waves guide him as he walks in deeper. Eye contact making it hard to look away for both.

 

The boy starts unbuttoning his shirt and  Jongup watches, red-cheeked and utterly befuddled when Junhong winks at him. Junhong lets his shirt fall into the water before bending down and pulling his jeans down with much hardship. Never breaking his gaze from the boy, even during his impromptu strip tease.

 

Alarmed by now,  Jongup makes to follow the boy. “What are you doing, Junhongie?” He asks in, what hopes is, a calm tone. He’s aware that Junhong can swim, but their conversation just a few minutes ago is still running through his mind. He’s anxious and Junhong not answering is worrying him more than he’d like to give away.

 

“It’s called skinny dipping,  Jongup.” Junhong rolls his eyes, letting his jeans float around him once he’s fully naked. “Come on!” he yells at the elder one. “It’s cold in here.”

 

“I know what it’s called!” the other boy whisper yells scandalously.  Jongup hesitates before walking into the water. Clothes, still on, clinging to his body like second skin as he approaches his boyfriend. He pulls Junhong’s abandoned clothes along with him and stops just a meter away from the boy. Cheeks red with embarrassment. “Exactly why are you skinny dipping, Junhongie?”

 

Junhong doesn’t reply, instead walking closer to  Jongup to bridge the gap between them.  Jongup prays for his feet to move so he can step back but he finds himself anchored to the sea bed. Junhong’s chest, naked and wet, presses against  Jongup’s and that alone drives him crazy enough that he doesn’t even want to think about his lower body. But as if Junhong had prepared himself to completely destroy the boy, he brings his hand out from the water and caresses  Jongup’s cheeks as he presses a wet kiss in the dip of his collarbones.

 

“Take you clothes off, Uppie” Junhong mutters seductively. Breath, hot and wet against his ear lobes. And had it not been the fact that Junhong was so fucking close to him, naked and wet and hot,  Jongup would’ve marvelled at the nickname the boy had referred to him by. The first time he ever called him anything but  Jongup.

 

But,  Jongup is too preoccupied by the moment between them right now, to be giddy over a nickname. He knows exactly what Junhong is doing. Exactly what he’s offering. And every inch of  Jongup’s body is ready and crying to just give in. But he can’t. He can’t because he’s not sure whether this is Junhong being sincere or whether it’s just because the younger thinks it’s what  Jongup wants.

 

He doesn’t want Junhong to force himself. Doesn’t want Junhong to give himself just because  Jongup wants him.

 

Rejection sits at the tip of his tongue as he begins talking, “Junhongie-” but is cut short by Junhong’s tongue tracing his nipple through his wet shirt.

 

“I’m sure about this,” Junhong mumbles silently as his fingers make a quick work of unbuttoning  Jongup’s shirt. Hands flying towards his jeans once his shirt’s all unbuttoned. Moaning into  Jongup’s chest as he wraps his arms around the older boy’s waist “I want this.”

 

 Jongup’s eyes fall close before he opens them, taking off his shirt swiftly. Grabbing Junhong’s waist once his own jeans are off and pulling him close, almost carrying him. They stare at each other for a moment.  Jongup is staring into his eyes for any signs of uncertainty. But all he finds is faith and surety. Junhong is ready and he doesn’t hide the fact as he heaves hotly, pressed against him. Tracing his skin with love bites.

 

“Okay” is all  Jongup manages before he loses control of himself and starts kissing every salty inch on the boy’s body.

 

**D-1**

The first time  Jongup’s cell phone blares into the night, he ignores it and turns his back to the device. He’s pretty it’s just Junhong wanting to talk about another dog video he ‘ABSOLUTELY NEEDS’  Jongup to watch. It’s after the seventh time the boy’s phone rings that he decides to suck it up and just hear his boyfriend fawning over dogs for the next hour. Just like he has been doing for the past four months.

 

He’s just about to answer the phone when it gets cut off so  Jongup decides to just call Junhong back instead of wait for the boy to phone him again. However, when the phone is answered Junhong doesn’t squeal into the receiver like he usually does.  Jongup hears a sudden, sharp intake of breath.

 

 Jongup waits for Junhong speak into the phone but when he does, all the blood in his veins seems to drain out of his body.

 

“I don’t want to die yet” Junhong whispers into his cell phone. His voice echoing horridly in  Jongup’s room despite not being on speaker.

 

The other boy jerks up at his boyfriend’s words. It doesn’t even take a conscious effort before he is on his feet and racing out the door into the night. The moon being the only source of light doesn’t make his steps any less frantic. His cell phone pressed against his ears. “Don’t you dare die on me, you brat.”

 

A laughter, static and horrifyingly empty, comes through the speakers of his phone. “I’m waiting on you, asshole. Hurry up already.”

 

*

 

By the time  Jongup reaches the park Junhong had told him he was at, he’s heaving like a madman and sweating like a wet cloth. He races towards the swings set, because he knows that the only place Junhong would be at. And sure enough, just like he had predicted, Junhong in one of the swings, staring up at the sky. From where he’s stood,  Jongup can make out a gentle smile on the boy’s lips.

 

Steadily, he approaches the younger and falls to his knees in front of the boy, who looks at him with an almost serene expression on his face.  Jongup eyes the pill bottle lying at Junhong’s feet and dread fills his entire body.

 

_Has he already taken the pills? Am I too late? I need to get him to a hospital! I need to save him!_

 

 Jongup’s mind goes into overdrive as he contemplates his next move, when Junhong starts speaking.

 

“I almost popped the pills when you called back” Junhong whispers to him, bringing his hands up to caress his cheekbones.  Jongup’s lets a tear fall as relief fills him to the brim.  _He’s alright. He’s still fine._ He’s about to speak but Junhong stops him, pressing his palm over  Jongup’s lips to shut him up. “I was this close to killing myself but I had to make sure I let you know. I had promised you I would, remember?”

 

Rather lamely,  Jongup nods and rests his cheek against Junhong’s knees. “Thank you.” He whimpers as more tears leave his eyes. “Thank you for calling me, Junhongie.”

 

“I really would’ve taken the pills if you hadn’t call back, Uppie” Junhong continues, ruffling the boy’s hair with a celestial smile on his lips. “But suddenly, I didn’t want to die yet.”

 

At that,  Jongup looks up at Junhong and finds him looking straight back at him. “Junhongie…” The question is at the time of his tongue but he doesn’t voice it. Because Junhong seems like he’s ready to spill all his secrets to the boy and  Jongup doesn’t want to stop him now.

 

“Not until I’d heard your voice one more time.” The younger boy chuckles and  Jongup’s heart feels like it is being lit on fire. “I told myself I needed to hear you out and then kill myself. But then you said you were coming and I didn’t wanna die again.” With what is surely excitement dancing in his eyes, Junhong holds  Jongup’s hands and shakes them gleefully as he continues, “I wanted to live to be able to see you again. I wanted to wait for you to come and then kill myself.” He chortles loudly and looks at  Jongup with apparent adoration, exclaiming, “But now that you’re here, I don’t want to die because I want to keep talking to you. I want to keep holding you. Keep seeing you.”

 

“Junhongie…”  Jongup tries to speak once again but once more his boyfriend cuts him off.

 

 “Why is it like that?” Junhong wonders out loud. Not at all sounding remorseful about it. “I never thought twice before.”

 

“Because when I said I was handing my life up to you on the ice I wasn’t lying”  Jongup tells him. Trailing his fingers over Junhong’s lips. His thumb stopping just at the philtrum, pushing it ever so slightly so Junhong’s bottom lip juts out. “You’re living my life now,” he claims, pinching Junhong’s lips between his index finger and thumb. Leaning up to breath over his boyfriend’s open lips. “And you know I’ve got a long, long life ahead of me. You know I want to live.”

 

And suddenly Junhong wants to live too.

 

He bridges the gap between their waiting lips and cards his fingers through  Jongup’s hair almost desperately. Falling down from the swing and into  Jongup’s arms. Pressing the boy into the sand pit as he straddles him. Grabbing the night shirt the older is wearing as if it were a sinful garment that ought to be torn off.

 

“Let’s do the dirty before the sun rises” Junhong whispers down  Jongup’s ribs. And the older boy laughs at his boyfriend’s inability at sounding even the least bit seductive. Or suggestive.

“In the sand pit at a children’s park?”  Jongup asks him, trying, but failing, to muffle his laughter behind his hand.

Junhong pouts as he sits up and punches  Jongup’s sides when the boy sits up too. “Stop being an asshole.” He folds his arms across his chest and looks away, muttering shyly, “we could always have sex in your car, can’t we?”

Smiling at the sulking expression on his boyfriend’s face,  Jongup leans ahead at the balls of his palms, resting his chin on Junhong’s shoulder. “That eager to take me, are you?”

The way Junhong’s cheeks turn red make  Jongup guffaw in mirth and he kisses the side of Junhong’s forehead. Falling into Junhong’s lap, letting his head snuggle into the crook of his knees. “I didn’t bring my car though. I ran here.”

Owl eyed, Junhong stares at him like a confused bird. “Why’d you run all the way here? It’s almost four miles away from your home!”

“I had to kiss you before you died,”  Jongup’s shrugs nonchalantly. Pushing his face further into the Junhong’s inner thigh. “I was too busy coming to you to think of  _how_  to get to you.”

When Junhong doesn’t reply for too long,  Jongup opens his eyes and looks at the boy still staring at him. A lopsided grin on his face. Junhong bends down and kisses  Jongup’s nose as he mutters almost seductively to the boy. “Get your Car right now.” Smirking as he pulls away. “I’m gonna give the blow job of the year tonight.”

Laughter bubbles out him as  Jongup rolls out of Junhong’s lap and into the sand below him. “Is this your way of saying you love me?” He chuckles and when Junhong nods determinedly, he punches the younger’s nose. “Isn’t the blow job of the year a little insufficient? Shouldn’t I be getting the blow of the century?”

“You’ll have nothing to look forward to in the future then, Mr. Smarty Pants.” Junhong mutters, red cheeked.

The older boy stares at the other for just a few seconds before jumping to his feet and running off towards the park entrance. Yelling at Junhong to “stay where you are while I get my car!”

 

 **D-Day  
** Junhong stares at the park’s horizon, legs folded underneath him, as he waits for  Jongup to come. As soon as the clock strikes twelve his cell phone blares the alarm he had set the day  Jongup had mentioned their half year anniversary.

 **!!!D-Day!!!**  His cell phone shows him under the events folder in his calendar and he smiles giddily at the prospect.  _They say if a couple manages to stay together for six months they are likely to be together for a lifetime_ Youngjae had told him the first day they had met. The day Junhong had been unsure about not just his relationship with  Jongup but also his own feelings for the boy.

Now, staring at the events screen on his cell phone, telling him he finally made six months into this relationship, Junhong is sure of one thing. He might want to keep killing himself in the future as well. But he’s looking forward to  Jongup saving him.

He’s looking forward to watching  Jongup come up with reasons for him to live.

He’s looking forward to waiting for unnamed comets until they come around for  Jongup to tell him what they’re called.

*

“Yes, I’m coming out” Junhong speaks over the phone. Snickering at  Jongup’s apparent inability to ‘wait any longer’. “Who’s being desperate now, huh?” He bites playfully, ducking under the park fence and walking out.

 Jongup waves at him from across the street, jumping at the balls of his feet. Gesturing him frantically to hurry up.

Junhong shakes his head amusedly and gestures him to wait, racing towards the boy from across the street. It’s midnight but the street is still alive with a few late night commuters. But Junhong doesn’t mind the traffic much because the stop sign light is on.

Ill-fate, however, is just as sadistic as Satan himself. And just as exact as Cupid’s arrow.

A car zooms across the pavement, driven surely by a drunkard in the night. Zigzagging down the road, hitting a few cars and jumping the signal.

 Jongup watches worriedly and waves at Junhong to stay where he is. Of course, catastrophe befalls the pair and the car whizzes past the park gates and crashes into the boy faster than he could’ve even blinked.

Junhong stands there. Watching numbly. As the car zips away, leaving in its wake,  Jongup’s mangled, body on the pavement in front of him, just a few meters away. 

  **Nine Years Later**

“The usual again, Jaejae?” Junhong muses from behind the counter, watching Youngjae walk over to the order station, already preparing a cup for the elder. “I’ve got this one, Minjae” he pats the boy’s shoulder, waving him towards the next customer.

 

Youngjae lets his head fall on the waiting station with a moan and shakes his head slowly. “I don’t want caffeine right now, Junhongie” The elder tiredly groans. “I really want to drink something but I don’t want to stay up all night either.”

 

Junhong snorts and nudges the elder, grinning when Youngjae looks up. He bends down and ruffles the man’s hair, questioning him with slight concern. “Long day at work, I assume?” When Youngjae tiredly nods, the taller boy pats his head and stands up straight, pointing at the cup still in his hand. “Want me to make a take away for Daehyun too?”

 

“Yes, please” Youngjae mumbles, smiling once the boy pulls out another cup from behind him.

 

A calm settles over the pair, coupled with the white noise of the few last customers in the café. Youngjae watches Junhong’s back as they boy works on his drink. The only non-caffeinated drink in the boy’s coffee shop.

 

Once the drinks are made, Junhong brings them out in take away coffee glasses and knocks Youngjae’s forehead lightly with his knuckles, “your drink is here, Sir” he chuckles lightly.

 

Youngjae sits up straight, grinning at the coffee take away. He shifts his gaze from the coffee and watches Junhong pulling his apron over his neck. “Already taking off?” The elder asks him, turning to squint at the wall clock in the coffee shop. A custom-made clock Daehyun had made for Junhong on the day of the shop’s opening.  _‘Faye’s Coffee’_ embedded into the wood in a rather messy penmanship. “It’s not even ten yet.”

 

Junhong asks Minjae to close the shop before turning to Youngjae and walking out from behind the order station. “Yep~” he pipes, “there’s a comet reaching perihelion tonight. I’ve been waiting on it for almost four years now.”

 

“You’re going there alone?” Youngjae turns to him alarmed, grabbing his arm before the younger boy walks away. "What about-"

 

Smiling at the concern swimming in Youngjae's eyes, Junhong pats the hand on his arm and cuts him off. “I’ve been clean for three years already, Youngjae” the boy reminds him. “I’m gonna be fine.”

 

The elder boy smiles back and nods his head, patting his cheeks with affection “you’ve got your telescope with you?”

 

Junhong shakes his head a no and grins mischievously, “I’m not gonna need it.”

 

As he’s walking away, Youngjae chuckles at the boy’s antics and calls over his shoulder, leaning over the counter behind him. “Do you even know what it’s called?”

 

“I’m gonna find out tonight~” the boy sings, walking out his coffee shop.

 

 


	3. Bonus

**D-Day**

Junhong stares at the boy in front of him with the most unpleasant pout he could muster. The effect is the opposite what he had hoped for, however. Jongup can’t help giggling every two seconds while he’s being scrutinised by his boyfriend.

The younger boy rolls his eyes, looking away from the boy sitting on the lone bed in the emergency room. Muttering to himself, “God! I hate you!

“Hey!” Jongup screeches bracing to sit up but failing to do so thanks to his heavily casted foot. “I didn’t crash into that car! The car crashed into me!” He screams indignantly at the boy carrying a small mullet.

Mullet boy then slaps the elder boy’s head and bites, “I told you to stay where you were but your ass couldn’t stay still for five fucking seconds!”

“I’m sorry okay?!” Jongup cries out. Rubbing the back of his head with a sour look on his face.

He watches Junhong’s features turn solemn and is sure the boy is going to say something meaningful when the two are interrupted by the presence of a man in a white over coat. Obviously it’s the doctor shooting them an amused look.

“I’d like to know exactly what happened” he begins, walking up to the fair with heated cheeks. “If you two are done with your lover’s quarrel that is…” the underlying smirk is hidden from none.

A few seconds of silence later, Jongup coughs and turns to the man, a shaky smile on his face. “I was standing on the pavement when a car came speeding down the road. Luckily it only managed to hit me barely before slamming into the light pole on the next road.”

Junhong scoffs at the use of a word ‘barely’ and once again crosses his arms across his chest, speaking to no one in particular. “I would hardly call it  _ barely _ . They almost killed him, Doctor!”

“They did not kill me, Bunhongie.” Jongup calmly explains to the boy, trying to reach for his hand, which the younger kept in a tight hold across his chest. “The driver actually crashed into the electricity pole trying to avoid hitting me.”

“He shouldn’t have been drunk driving in the first place then!”

The doctor coughs between to break the tension between but when neither break eye contact, the man smiles and gets to his feet, closing the curtain behind him. Leaving the two virtually alone. Once they are alone, Jongup again tries to hold Junhong’s hand and the boy lets him this time. A shudder runs past his lips when Jongup’s warm hands slip into his own.

_ They’re trembling.  _ That’s the first thing Jongup realises as he holds his boyfriend’s hands. Junhong’s hand are shivering despite being warm and he feels like setting fire to the sun at the heat that pools inside of him.

A reminiscent of the first time Jongup had heard of Junhong’s suicide attempt, he rubs the younger’s knuckles, taking both his hands into his own. “Why are you trembling?”

Jongup knows the answer. He knows exactly how Junhong is feeling. How scared he is. How relieved he is. Because he’s been through this. He’s lived the reality Junhong had to face today, and he’s not sure if he’s glad about that.

Lips trembling to speak, Junhong’s eyes glimmer with an onslaught of tears and he presses into Jongup’s embrace. Pushing his face into the boy’s shoulders with whimpers accompanying the water works.

“I thought you were g- going to die, Jongup” Junhong snivels quietly. Wrapping his arms around the elder protectively. “I thought you were going to die!”

Bringing a hand up to ruffle Junhong’s hair, Jongup smiles ruefully at the irony of it all. Remembering the fear latched into his bones the day he heard of Junhong’s first suicide attempt. “I’m not, Bunhongie” to the boy, caressing the nape of his neck. “I won’t die just yet. I’m gonna be with you. Longer. For a long time, I promise.”

Junhong doesn’t pull away to look at him, continuing to cry in chest. Jongup thinks he’s made himself sufficiently clear to the boy.

He’s not planning on leaving Junhong anytime soon. Even if he has to evade death every day to accomplish the feat.

*

“I can’t believe it’s your six month anniversary, and you went and got your leg busted” Youngjae rolls his eyes at the pair as he’s entering the near empty emergency. “Like, seriously, how thick are you two?”

“For the two thousand five hundred and sixty eight time!” Jongup groans, “I am NOT responsible for this!” He waves his arms in thin air to emphasis his inability to control the accident.

His brother simply scoffs at that and takes a seat beside Junhong, who looks just as exasperated with him as the other. Youngjae turns to his boyfriend and raises an eyebrow at him, “please tell me you at least had some anniversary dicking before he went and turned into a semi mummy.”

“Hey!” Jongup yells infuriated but it royally ignored by Youngjae who’s surveying Junhong’s expression for an answer.

As if struck by realization, he slowly leans into Junhong’s personal space and holds the boy’s cheeks in his hands as he wonders, “I bet you two didn’t even get past phase two…”

Junhong’s reddened cheeks and Jongup’s futile punches to his back are answer enough and Youngjae comically stares Jongup down before knocking him in his head. “You are an idiot! You ruined his first anniversary!”

“It’s my first anniversary too!” Jongup cries out but of course, Youngjae tunes his cries out. Continuing to manhandle the boy. “I’m a patient for fucks sake! Stop hitting me!”

“You’re a fucking nitwit, is what you are!” Youngjae squeals at his little brother.

Junhong watches the brother quaffed with an amused smile. He doesn’t tell them, but he’s glad Youngjae came.

**D + 4**

Daehyun stands at the threshold of Jongup’s home, never looking up at the pair standing in front of him. It had been raining so he’s drenched down to the last lock of his hair but he doesn’t enter.

“Daehyun” Jongup begins, sending a furtive glance towards Junhong. “You should come in…” He trails off, as if asking permission from the younger.

Junhong nods with a smile and pats Daehyun’s shoulder, gesturing him in. “Yeah. You should.” When he sees worry lines etched into the forehead of the elder never giving way, the boy frowns at his boyfriend and hastens to explain, “It was a minor accident, Daehyun. Nothing too dangerous.”

If it had not been for the fact that Daehyun looked both terrified and worried, Jongup would’ve thrown a temper tantrum at Junhong’s words.  _ I can’t believe he has the nerve to act like it was a minor accident after giving me so much hell for getting into ER the past few days!  _ The boy thinks to himself. Scorning at his boyfriend,  _ Choi Junhong, you rat! _

 

“Yeah! It’ll take more than that to kill me!” He says instead, snickering excitedly and reaching over to slap Daehyun’s back like he always does. Except this time, Daehyun doesn’t respond back by flipping him off. “Daehyun…” He trails off, now actually worried for his friend, “I’m fine, Daehyun.”

When Daehyun does look up at him, red rimmed eyes greet him. The man spares him and Junhong a glance before peeking into the house as if searching for someone. They look behind to try to figure out what he could possibly be searching for but when nothing comes to mind the duo shrug at each other and turn back to him.

Junhong grabs a hold of his hand trying to pull in him, when Daehyun stops him. “I- is Youngjae home?” He asks and the two glance at each other before Junhong decides to speak.

“He’s at work, Daehyun” Junhong carefully speaks. “He should be back in a few. You should come in and wait up on him.”

Shaking his head, Daehyun pulls his arm out of Junhong’s grasp. Backing away into the rain. He never spares them a glance before running off into the rain, leaving both boys flabbergasted at his behaviour.

Jongup stares at the retrieving back of his best friend and wonders out loud “he didn’t ask anything about the accident.”

*

“Y- You…” Junhong stutters, his ears ringing despite the quietness of the night. “You broke up with him?”

Youngjae had returned about an hour after Daehyun had left and upon interrogation the couple had found that the elder couple had separated almost a month and a half ago. Right about the time Junhong had told Daehyun about his feelings.

“I don’t understand” Jongup says, staring at his brother in apparent surprise. “You didn’t even break up with him when you found out that he liked me in the first place, what does it change if he finds out you knew?”

“Everything” Youngjae whispers. One word ringing loud the gong of a church. “It changes everything, Jongup.” He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath before continuing, “Before he knew I knew of his feelings for you, he looked at me with affection if not love. He respected me because of our relationship, not because he thought I was making this big sacrifice for him. He was with me because he wanted to be, not because he owed me his feelings. After he found that I knew, you know how he looked at me?”

Jongup stares at his brother and tries to gauge his experience through his eyes. Heaving a sigh as he looks away, muttering “he looked at you with pity.”

“Yes…” Youngjae smiled. The bitterness in his heart never reaching his face. “And guilt. He looked at me like he’d committed some great sin in my wake.” A look of utter despair fills his features as he continues, “I can’t have him feeling that way towards me or himself, Jongup.”

The younger brother doesn’t respond after that. Biting his lips as he watches his brother get up and leave for his room. Ruffling their hair as he went.

Solemnity fills them when they are left alone in the living of Jongup’s parent’s home. It’s past ten o'clock, so the elders are both asleep and Youngjae just excused himself to rest in his room. More than anything, the two wish they had someone to talk to. Someone other than each other.

Jongup avoids meeting Junhong’s eyes because he’s not confident he can keep his anger at bay. He’s angry. Infuriated even. Because this would never had happened had it not been for Junhong.

And then there’s Junhong. Guilt drowning him in waves. He stares after Youngjae’s closed door and wants nothing more than to kill himself.

**D + 5**

“Junhongie?” Youngjae whispers when he sees Junhong walking out Jongup’s bedroom. He spies the blade in the boy’s hand, but doesn’t point it out, smiling at the boy when looks at an utter loss for words.

Junhong scratches his head looking for an answer in the furniture around him and when his eyes land on the brushes in Youngjae’s hand he quickly points at them. “What’s that?”

Youngjae is fully aware that it’s the lamest and the most obvious topic change he has ever witnessed but Junhong’s red cheeks make him only smile at the boy more. The elder ruffles the boy’s hair and gestures him to follow, speaking over his back as he makes his way to his bedroom. “One of the students in my pottery class broke her clay statue so I offered to fix it.”

“Pottery classes?” Junhong wonders as he enters the elder’s bedroom, staring awestruck at everything that was in it.

“Yes. I give pottery lessons on Fridays” Kim in tells him. When Junhong fails to respond he turns to the boy only to find him gawking at the earthen pots and plates and porcelain mantle pieces lining one of the walls of his bedroom. “Bunhongie?” He calls the boy but when the younger doesn’t show any signs of recognition, Youngjae shakes his head amused. It’s the general reaction when someone sees his room.

The older man quickly busies himself with setting up his equipment as Junhong moves on to gape at another wall in his bedroom, this time adorned with a fresco of the night sky. “Did you paint this?” Junhong asks still staring at the intricate designs and the multitude of stars that grace the mural.

Youngjae then comes to stand beside the boy as smiles fondly at the painting. Heaving a sigh as he pulls Junhong away from the artwork with his arm over the boy’s shoulder. “Daehyun and I did. For our fourth year anniversary” he says and pain crosses over Junhong’s face faster than he can control. When Youngjae sees the colour drain out of the boy’s face he pats his back and seats him in his work table stool. “Is that what has you up and wandering in the middle of the night, Junhongie?”

Junhong bites his lips, staring at his fingers as he nods his head. Youngjae is about to speak when Junhong cuts him off, “I’m so sorry, Youngjae” he pleads to the man, holding his hand desperately. Biting his lips as water gather in his eyes. “I- I’m sorry… it… it’s all my fault.”

“You don’t have to apologise, Bunhongie” Youngjae says, patting the boy’s hand. The smile on his face is genuine and it hurts all the more to know that Youngjae doesn’t blame him.

“But if I hadn’t told Daehyun, you two wouldn’t have had to break up…”

Youngjae hums thoughtfully at the boy’s words and nods his head as he explains, “You’re right. We wouldn’t have had a break up if you hadn’t told Daehyun about me knowing…” the fact that Youngjae acknowledges that makes bile rise in Junhong’s stomach. He winces at the knowledge that Youngjae does, in fact, blame him but is just too nice to get mad.

As it is, “I’m sorry” is all Junhong finds himself saying.

“But I don’t want you beating yourself up about it, Bunhongie” Youngjae says. He pulls out the broken pottery from the box in front of him and gestures Junhong to follow suit.

Junhong grabs the smaller pieces of white clay from the box and mumbles as he watches Youngjae pour some gold paint into a mixing bowl. “How can I not when I’m the one who ruined everything?”

Youngjae doesn’t reply as he’s measuring the paint and glue mix into the measuring bowl. The sounds of the lacquer squashing as it mixes with the thicker gold paint sound almost therapeutic. “Can I tell you something, Bunhongie?” Youngjae whispers and when Junhong nods in approval, he continues, “relationships should be fragile, Junhongie. Like glass or porcelain pottery.” He starts layering the biggest piece of the broken clay statue with the gold lacquer mixture he had mixed as he speaks. “Relationships shouldn't be hard to break or durable. Because usually hard to break things have a solid body but are easily dented or cracked. And over time, they get thrown away because they’re not appealing anymore.” The elder pauses to look at him in the eye with an easy smirk, “because there too many scratches on them or they are too dull.” He then nods towards the other broken pieces, jerking his head at the paint brushes. It doesn’t take long before Junhong, too, starts applying the golden glue on the white clay body of the cracked statue. “It's better for relationships to break easily” Youngjae says, moving on to the other pieces.

  
  


Confusion befuddles him and Junhong frowns as he asks, “How is that better?”

And Youngjae chuckles, completely ignoring the fact that Junhong is literally sitting on the edge of his seat for an answer. After what feels like several years of waiting, the elder finally starts speaking again. Continuing to religiously lather the small statue in the paint glue.

“Did you know, in Japan, there’s an art of repairing broken pottery called Kintsugi?” Youngjae begins, wiping his fingers with the rag on the work table before he places the statue in the corner near the small fan. He then looks back at Junhong and continues with a gentle curve of his lips, “It’s an art form of sorts where broken pottery is repaired with gold or silver lacquer. You know what it signifies?”

Junhong shakes his head dazed and whispers “no.”

“It’s signifies the value behind the broken piece” The elder tells him, smiling at the several art pieces on his wall. “It’s meant to teach us the importance of its history. It’s for us to know the story behind the broken pot; to know of the damage it has suffered.” Youngjae stands up and Junhong’s eyes follow the man as he walks over towards the wall and picks out a particularly poorly made tea cup. “I like to think it’s humans’ way to make something beautiful out of chaos.”

“That’s a comforting thought” Junhong mutters, watching how gently Youngjae holds the messily made utensil. He can tell it’s white porcelain and it’s a very delicate material but there’s a gold design on the cup resembling the cracks that are now in the statue they just repaired.

The elder smiles fondly as if remembering a sweet time from the past and recalls to Junhong “this was Daehyun’s first gift to me. He made it himself.” Youngjae looks up from the cup and smiles as he walks back to Junhong, gently handing him the piece. As Junhong examines the item Youngjae continues, “I broke during a fight we had. I threw it at him… among other things.”

“What did you two fight about that led you to throw things at him?” Junhong whisper yells in utter shock, turning the cup softly in his hands. The lightness of the item making him all the more cautious of its weight.

“I don’t even remember, Bunhongie” Youngjae chuckles, watching the gold sparkle under the light of the lamp on his work table. “Daehyun had told me then, after the fight of course.” Junhong spares him a glance before turning back to the cup in hand, “he taught me how to make the gold glue and told me about this technique.” A sigh leaves Youngjae’s lips as he reminisces about that time and Junhong doesn’t see even a sliver of regret in the man’s eyes. “He told me that Kintsugi teaches us to embrace imperfection and appreciate the past. He taught me that once the cracks are filled with gold and glued back together the same old porcelain cup becomes so much more valuable” Youngjae says, and Junhong looks up, his eyes are shining with understanding, because it’s true. The cup in his hand is so much more exquisite than the plain ones people buy in art exhibits and such.

“It really is more beautiful than most” Junhong wonders out loud. Smiling at the single gold filled crack that runs around the body of the cup in a single crooked line from the base to the rim.

“It’s not only more beautiful,” Youngjae tells him, “but now it has a history. An experience that will last forever. It’s so much more precious after it’s been broken and fixed.” The elder takes the cup back once Junhong is done examining and walks back to the wall to place it back on the shelf he had plucked it off from.  “The scars that adorn the body of that cup, are no longer just ugly crack marks. They are beautiful reminders of the cup’s experiences. Our little fight that had no head or heed. Its imperfection is what makes it desirable, Bunhongie.”

“I never thought a cup could hold so much meaning” Junhong mutters watching Youngjae’s back as the elder dusts there several pieces sitting on the shelves in front of him. “You and Jongup make everything sound so much more important than it is should be.”

Youngjae smirks at that and moves back to sit in front of Junhong again. Junhong waits for Youngjae to say something but when the elder doesn’t respond back for a long while, he looks up at the man to see sincerity shining in his eyes. “This period of hurt with Daehyun is just like that cup, Bunhongie.” He begins and Junhong isn’t sure if he’s saying this for him or himself. “We’re broken. And we look ugly right now. And you might think we’ll never be our flawless selves again. But that’s what makes me look forward to the future.” A serene smile falls on his lips. “I’m waiting for that time when we’ll turn more beautiful. Stronger, because now our cracks are filled with gold and silver.”

Junhong watches Youngjae’s eyes shining with the impact of his own words and can’t help but whimper. “But what if it doesn’t work out like that? What if you two never get back together?”

It doesn’t even take a second too long for Youngjae to reply, “Then we’ll turn into two pieces of history instead of just one.” A look of surety in his determined eyes, “we’ll come out beautiful not for the both of us but for ourselves.”

The younger boy looks away from the elder then, lowering his eyes and fumbling with his T-shirt hem. “You’re not just saying that, are you?” he wonders in undertone.

“I don’t have the habit of just throwing words around, Junhongie” Youngjae replies with a snicker albeit in a stern tone. When Junhong’s cheeks turn red with embarrassment, Youngjae ruffles his hair and pinches his nose patting the boy’s neck. “So I want you to remember that since we’re broken we'll come out more beautiful, okay? Now go sleep.” He says, standing up and pulling Junhong up with him. “And Junhongie,” he reaches for the forgotten blade in the younger boy’s hand, “leave the blade here will you? I want it to open some parcels.”

As he’s leaving Junhong’s lips break into a smile at the fact that not only did Youngjae not have any unopened parcels in his room, he also had a box cutter on his work table.

**D + 7 years**

“So how long will you be gone then?” Junhong mumbles into Jongup’s neck, as they lie on the mat under the twinkling stars overhead. They’re outside Jongup’s parents’ house, lying on top of each other near the now extinguished fire.

Jongup looks down at his boyfriend and smiles dopily at him. “I thought you’d throw a fit and cry when I told you I got accepted for the space program” he muses, kissing Junhong’s fists that are resting on his chest. The fragrance of the peach tree in the boy’s garden settles around them and Junhong snuggles in closer to the elder boy. “You sure you’re okay with me leaving?”

“Yep” Junhong mutters, smiling at him. “So how long exactly? Six months? A year? Two?”

“Two years give or take a few months” Jongup tells him. A silence befalls them which the older boy finds excruciatingly suffocating. He wants to say something but Jongup can’t bring himself to speak.

Junhong doesn’t miss the words hanging in the air around them and looks up at Jongup with an easy smile. He moves to sit up beside his boyfriend and Jongup follows suit.

They sit staring at each other. Holding each other’s hands between tangled limbs. Junhong leans down towards Jongup and presses his forehead against his boyfriend’s. “You’re scared?” He whispers, his breath grazing Jongup’s lips as he speaks. “You’re scared I’ll try something crazy without you here to stop me, right?”

Jongup nods tiredly and bites his lips, making Junhong chuckle. “I know you’ve been clean for the past eight months already but,” he licks his lips and heaves a sigh. “But I’m scared, Bunhongie. I’m terrified.” The older boy closes his eyes and brings his arms around Junhong to pull him even closer, basking in his scent. “I’m scared of leaving you.”

Junhong only smiles at the boy’s words. Giggling every so often but not pulling away. “You remember when we first started dating and went to Japan for the weekend trip?” When Jongup nods with a pout, he brings up his hand to card through the hair on the nape of Jongup’s neck. “You told me you waited for comets and they were your reason for wanting to live?”

“Yeah” Jongup looks him in the eye, humming the words.

“Then I don’t want to stop you from your dreams, Uppie” Junhong exclaims, shaking Jongup’s shoulders as he speaks. “You’ve been chosen to study the comet you wrote your final year thesis on; I know how much this means to you. I want you to go.”

Jongup smiles through the tears brimming his eyes and nods goofily. “You’ll wait for me. Right?” He asks in the most desperate whine. “You’re gonna wait for me to come and you’re not gonna do something crazy. And you’ll talk to me every day. And send me a picture of you every day.” Biting his lips, he stammers, “r- right?”

Junhong kisses him as he caresses his cheeks. Letting Jongup press his face into his cupped hands. “Of course I’ll be waiting” Junhong breathes between the kisses. “You’re my comet, Uppie. I’ll wait on your forever.”

**D + 9 years**

“Why didn’t you tell Youngjae you were coming back tonight?” Junhong’s asks Jongup. They are sitting on the bonnet of Junhong’s car, waiting for the night sky to start its performance.

Jongup looks away from his ice cream cone and hums before he speaks, “if I told him he wouldn’t let me bring you out for a date tonight.” He snorts and continues biting into his ice cream, “he’s the best brother on earth but he’s an even greater cockblocker the world has ever known.”

Junhong’s face turns sour and he snaps the ice cream out of Jongup’s hand, yelling at the boy, “If you’re not gonna eat your ice cream properly, then don’t bloody eat it!”

Flabbergasted, Jongup blinks his eyes with his mouth hung open. “What’s the right way to eat an ice cream, Bunhongie?!” Jongup tells back.

“You don’t bloody bite an ice cream, Uppie!”

“Urgh!” Jongup groans, pulling back his ice cream from his boyfriend’s hand. “Whatever!”

Junhong can’t stop the smile filling into his lips when Jongup continues licking his ice cream instead of biting it. He cuddles into Jongup’s side, folding his legs underneath himself as he leans his head on the boy’s shoulder. “What comet are we seeing today anyway?”

“It’s not a comet tonight, Bunhongie” Jongup smirks at him. “It’s a meteor shower. It’s supposed to be the meteor shower of the Heavens.”

“Weren’t you obsessed with comets though?” Junhong wonders, staring at the twinkling stars above.

Jongup then looks down at him and kisses Junhong’s lips as he whispers to his boyfriend, “actually ever since we started dating I’ve been obsessed with you so yeah…”

That night, they fail to see the meteor shower of the Heavens. But neither Junhong not Jongup can say they mind. Between erratic breaths and whispered confessions, the two come to the conclusion that Heaven couldn’t reside anywhere but within their lover.

  
  
  



	4. Will Delete This Chapter...

I just made this chapter so that I could inform all my readers who  **didn't**  get the bonus that the **bonus chapter**  is up now~~~

Because updating an already updated chapter doesn't give out a notification to already subscribed readers.

 

DO NOT COMMENT for this chapter will be deleted soon.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so here’s the thing:  
> I left a clue in the ending scene regarding whether or not Jongup survived the accident (IT'S A MAJOR HINT, btw). If you guys are able to figure out the name of the comet they were supposed to see on their six month anniversary, you should be able to also figure out if Jongup survived the accident or not based on the information and conversations in the story. The best way to find the name of the comet is to figure out the date their six month anniversary falls on. The D-Day basically. And I’ve left many clues about the date in the story. (SO MANY OMG!!!) 
> 
> BEST OF LUCK~ and please comment the comet name and D-Day date if ya’ll figure it out!!! Oh! And also tell me what you think happened to Jongup!
> 
> PS: people who guess correctly will receive a special scene from the story so everyone please leave a contact (Email, Twitter, Instagram or Tumblr) I can send the chapter on.


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